Monday, December 03, 2007

Hustle: The blog of Blue bringing his brother is hysterical.

This is the text message I received Friday afternoon. Yes, Hustle, a guy I'm currently dating. Someone who has intermittently been mentioned on this here page. A guy I have been dating for months reads my blog. As you can imagine my already large beautiful browns bugged out of my head. Like those cartoon illustrations. OH SHIT!! OH SHIT! OHHHHH SHIIIIIT!!! was the thought screaming in my head.

Me: ummmmm, I didn't know you read my blog. (prime example of me playing it cool. hahaha)
Hustle: I see everything.
Hustle: You scared?
Me: Scared? Why would I be scared???
(prime example of me talking shit but hey, you can't let them see you sweat, right?? hahahaha)
Me: U scared?
Hustle: Nope.

While the text version of me gave the impression of " So what?! I don't care", the real me was FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. I felt like I was just busted by my parents sneaking in after curfew (never happened by the way...hahahah). I tried to figure out what he was thinking and most importantly how long he's been reading.

I'm conflicted. A part of me is flattered. He takes a moment out of his day to read my thoughts, to see what I have to say. I'd like to think he's a fan of my writing and realizes that I actually have some talent. But I realize that's my ego talking. And a part of me is tickled that he's stroking it (*I'm referring to my ego. At least for the moment...hahahahahaha) On the other hand, I am terrified. See up until now, the person he knows me to be is the one I've allowed him to see. While he and I have very deep, extensive conversations, I'm aware that I very rarely talk about my feelings or my innermost thoughts. But now he's pulled back the curtain and taken a peek at the real me. Well at least the real me I post. And I can't front, when I read that text message, I had a fleeting thought and wondered if he was still interested in me. What does he really think of me now???

It just seems weird to me. Especially when he called me later that day and we talked about Blue . Yes, we discussed my chaperoned date with Blue, and some of my other blogs that he's read thus far. How do you talk to a guy you're dating about a guy you've gone out on a date with??? I haven't seen that article in Essence or Marie Claire. Should I pick up GQ to find an article on such a conversation??? Will we now be discussing his current dating adventures????

Yes, Hustle and I are just dating (despite the protestations from a small group of friends. you know who you are, damnit! I can't hear you!!! hahahahahahahaah). Yes, we enjoy each other's company when we're together. We laugh, we talk, we joke, we sit on his living room floor and eat takeout while watching Weeds or Californication or some other show he attempts to get me hooked on. But when we're not together, its like recess. What happens in the playground, stays in the playground. I don't know what goes on in his playground, and up until Friday, I thought he didn't know what was going on in mine. Have you ever been in a fitting room and forgot to lock the door behind you, and the minute you are most naked, the door swings opens and there stands the fitting room attendant with a "oh I'm sorry"? That's exactly what Hustle's confession of reading my blog feels like. Slightly embarrassing, but nothing tragic or life altering.

At the end of the day, it is what it is. There's nothing I can do. I'm not going to shut the site down. And I damn sure am not going to stop writing about my life and my thoughts. While this particular post is probably one of the hardest blogs I've written, I know there is one particular reader who is getting a kick out of seeing me squirm. With his permission, I will continue to write about him and with my blessing, I will continue to write about everything else in my life.

So with this posting, I would like to officially welcome Hustle to my website. Welcome to my wonderings and the stories of my life. We can even continue to discuss them if you wish. Yes, I will be squeamish and yes, I will squirm and attempt to change the subject but I will at least try to discuss my thoughts with you. And yes, I will soon be writing about our current ongoing battle. I told you: you are not going to win. As a certain rapper said: I will NOT lose. hahahahaha

1 comment:

rashad said...

If you don't continue to write what you want, about who you want, this is no longer the refuge of a becomes, Hustle is in control now bitches...hahaha