Let me just start off by saying, men confuse the hell out of me. There, I said it. I cram to understand the rocket science degree it takes to understand what the hell is going on in their minds.

For instance, I attended an event and was introduced to a group of 4 men. All equally attractive, but in very different ways. As conversation flowed it became apparent that 2 of the gentlemen were interested in me. I noticed the head to toe glances, the casual but not so subtle way they asked about the whereabouts of my man. The eyebrows raised when I replied that I am single. The compliments on my hair and telling me how "tight" my shoe game is (the red patent leather 4 inch heel round toe pump is quickly becoming my new favorite.)So who's business card was in my purse at the end of the night?? Neither. They both kind of lingered when they said goodbye, like they were interested but wanted me to make the first move. One even invited me to a bar that they all frequent. What am I supposed to do? Just roll up at the bar on some random night and expect to see them there?? Or did I read this scenario wrong?? Or was this one of those "I don't want to step on my boy's toes" moments? Did they each make the first move and were then waiting for for my counter move??? Sheesh, this is harder than my Dad trying to teach me how to play chess.


Another prime example of the man induced confusion occurred on a date. I met this guy at yet another event. He was handsome and thankfully tall, impeccable preppy style attire, and most importantly made me laugh. Blue (as I will call him here) and I exchanged information and agreed to see each other soon. In subequent text and telephone conversations, we realized that we both had pretty tight schedules. The first level of "Huh?" came when he invited me to a party and requested that I bring along some of my girlfriends for his boys. Huh???? Come again??? You want me to pimp my girls to your boys, sight unseen. I'm sorry I value my friendships and hooking my girls up with dudes I know nothing about is grounds for immediate expulsion from the circle. Its right there in the handbook. But instead of saying that, I respectfully declined. Didn't want to offend him or his friends (in the event they were cute and dateable, I could invite my friends to meet them at a later date...hahahahaha). So after a few more conversations Blue suggested I meet him for dinner before he goes to this party. Sounds like a plan. A mini-date was planned for dinner at a restaurant downtown. I arrive before he did and made myself comfy at the bar with a cup of tea with honey and lemon. He sends me a text saying "running late. stuck in traffic". I respond "ok". Traffic in New York can be a bitch with a grudge - can't shake it, so you deal with it until you're back in her good graces. About 20 minutes later, he sends another text "just parked. be there in 5. my brother is with me". Huh??? Excuse me??? Come again??? Yes you read that correctly, he brought his brother with him on our date. Since when do you bring a chaperone on a date??? I called my girl, E. to freak out for the 4 minutes I had before he arrives. "WHAT THE FUCK, E.??? ME, HIM, AND HIS BROTHER??? ON A DATE??? PLEASE TELL ME I'M ON HELL DATE AND A LITTLE MIDGET IN A DEVIL COSTUME IS GOING TO COME RUNNING OUT FROM THE BACK OF THE RESTAURANT???" She laughs hysterically. I giggle my frustration away. And sure enough, he walks in a few minutes later, with a shorter version of himself. I take a deep breath, give him a hug, and in my best prep school manner, extend my hand and shake his brother's hand with a high wattage Ms. America, very genuinely fake smile. "Hi. It's so nice to meet you." I coo. Blue explains that his brother is going with him to the party. I wave it off like "it's okay". Meanwhile, I'm trying to figure out just what the hell was he thinking??? So what that your brother is going to the party?? You couldn't come up with a better solution??? Or just meet up with me another time???
So the 3 of us are seated at a table and thus begins our date with talk of work and sports, sports and work. Hellllooooooo???? Aren't you supposed to at least attempt to get to know me?? Isn't this the purpose of a date?? Even if it is chaperoned. I felt like I was hanging with one of my boys and his brother - not on a first date with someone. About an hour and a half later, the date ended. He had to get to this party and I had to get home to call my friends so they can laugh with me about my chaperoned date. We're standing outside and again I shake his brother's hand with a "It was a pleasure meeting you." Blue stands there kind of awkwardly and gives me a hug. It wasn't one of those great date hugs - you know the kind where you hold on tight and never want to end?. It was more like a thanks buddy pat on the back hug. Which I was cool with. Hey, I got a free delicious meal, and definitely a story to tell. Not bad for an ordinary weeknight.
The next day, Blue sends to me a good morning text, and thus begins a text conversation. Somewhere in the midst of the convo, he throws out there " I don't think u feeling me. U didn't try to kiss me at the end of our date." Huh???? Excuse me??? What the hellll??? When was I supposed to kiss him???? Somebody please tell me. While his brother was standing right there??? He can't be serious, right?? And what does he mean "you didnt try to kiss me"?? Huh??? Since when was the attempt for a kiss placed on MY SHOULDERS??? It has been my experience that its the guy that makes the attempt, right??? Was this a passive aggressive ploy to feel out whether I was feeling him??? Or am I just, once again, confused??? Instead of saying all of this I respond "I'm a lady & ladies don't make attempts. And besides, I think your chaperone would have been offended. LOL" with the winking smiley face for good measure. He wants to go out again. I told him that we can go out again if and when his chaperone has the night off.

So here I am confused like an recent immigrant in a foreign land with foreign languages, and unfamiliar customs. Maybe I should just go back to school and get that damn degree in rocket science. It has to be easier than navigating through the land of Men and Dating.