Tuesday, March 27, 2007

I interviewed last week for a job I really want. It was my third interview and by far the hardest interview I have ever had to endure. In the event that my future colleagues stumble upon the fact that I have a blog, I will save my impressions of that interview for a later date. But I bring up this interview because I feel like I'm in a holding pattern, suspended in time and space. They told me that I would hear back from them this week. Yes I know it's only Tuesday but it's still THIS week. I checked my email at 3 this morning as if the recruiter couldn't sleep from the joy of offering me the position and had to let me know at an ungodly hour (sidebar: if God created the world, and time, etc. what is so "ungodly about 3 in the morning??? ). I don't know if my anxiety is because I really want this job (I really do) or if I'm just tired of being unemployed (I really am). Being unemployed is a humbling experience. I wish it on no one and everyone, all at the same time. The ability to walk away from a career as I did was both frightening and exhilarating. Frightening because I had no safety net. I had no clue what I was going to do. All I knew was that teaching wasn't for me. And I had to get out fast before I lost myself in the fundamental inadequacies of the board of miseducation. I walked away feeling exhilarating because I have never experienced walking away on my terms. Yes I've left other jobs before but it was only when something else came my way. I stayed because it was there, even if I hated it. But this time, people looked at me like I was crazy. But I honestly felt that this particular job wasn't my calling. Over those 3 years I watched all my hopes and dreams vanish. You walk into it all idealistic and with plans for change and growth. I knew it was time for me to leave when I didn't care anymore. Now those are three years I will never get back. I still believe that the right career is out there for me but I never anticipated that it would take this long. I took that leap of faith and am still soaring until I land where I am intended to be. Yes there are days when I feel like I have made the biggest mess of my life. It doesn't help when those around keep asking you "You get a job yet??" I know its out of concern and probably lack of conversation, but don't you think if I got a new job, I would have told you??? I'm not looking to work for the CIA; I'm not the next James Bond. There will be no need for secrecy when I gain employment.

So I saw my friend from the previous blog this weekend. We both attended a birthday party for a mutual friend. I wish I was the next James Bond and had one of those special spy cameras pinned to my coat when we walked in to capture her double take. I say we because I walked in with my current "ex". He was invited to the birthday bash as well so we went together. He and I have been hanging out a lot lately. But that's another blog for another day. I know she was dying DYING to ask me what was up. But I didn't say boo! Yes I was cordial. I spoke and participated in group conversation. I have to thank my ex for that. At one point in the evening the three of us shared a cab. Actually, that occurred twice that evening. But anyway, each time he initiated and drove the conversation. He knows about the fallout between us - which is weird for me because in telling him about it I had to reveal how I really feel about the breakup. Left up to me there would have been a very comfortable silence in the back of those taxis. I don't know how he did it but he got us both talking without really talking to each other and without talking about anything heavy on a fun night. It was weird, after that first cab ride, I almost forgot that there were issues between us. We all exited the cab, laughing and joking, ready to party, like there was nothing going on. I love him for that. Sigh. Well anyway.........I write all of this to say, that on some level, I realize that our friendship will never be the same. Whatever was there is gone. I've had many many many disagreements with my best friend. But despite it all, we have never wavered on our commitment to our friendship. And honestly, I don't feel committed to trying to working through this. Maybe it's because so many things in my life are up in the air, suspended in time and space just like me. maybe when other areas of my life become more settled, I can focus on repairing this friendship. Maybe not. I thank her for being in my life for the time she was meant to be here. I don't say this to shun her. If by some miracle, we come to an understanding, then yeah, we could be friends but definitely not on the same level. And I'm okay with that.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Do you know how many times I've come to this site, stared at this blank box, and have tried to will myself the courage to express my innermost thoughts, musings, and other random commentary? I'll tell you. Nine. Yes over the past 21 days, I sat here 9 times trying to come up with something witty, entertaining, thought provoking, intellectual, overall an expression of me. But as much as I try to push it to the side, the only thoughts that loom in the forefront are related to the 2 things that cause me the greatest pain and stress: my love life and my lack of a professional life. Two of the most depressing and crippling aspects of my life. Who wants to read that? Better yet, who wants to write that? I've written about it enough. Like a DVD, I wish life had the scene selection feature. Even though I know the bad parts exist and that I have lived through them, at least I could skip over them. So I guess in the meantime, I've kind of placed myself in timeout or the "alone zone" as I used to call it in my teaching days. As much as I want to be out there at participating in this thing called life, I needed to separate myself and figure out some things. I cant say that I have figured out anything to date, but at least I'm not staring at a blank box anymore. Baby steps my friends, baby steps.

How long is too long for a disagreement between "friends" to fester? When do you reach the point of "do I continue to try and revive this? or "Time of death is..... "This" being this "friendship". Obviously I'm at odds with a friend. We are at odds I think because fundamentally, we have different opinions on what it means to be a friend. This friend called me for relationship advice when I was still raw with emotion from my own relationship woes. I apologized and told her that I couldn't be that person for her right now. I was in no place ready, willing, nor able to discuss relationships. How could I when mine was blown to smithereens (what the hell is a smithereen by the way??) 48 hours prior to this conversation? I couldn't even see a couple holding hands on the train without bursting into tears (yes this did happen) so how could I be expected to give solid relationship advice? Her response when I explained to her that I couldn't give her advice right now?? She hung up on me! While I was hurt at the time, I was also numb so , I didn't fully feel the magnitude of the situation. Through email about a week later she explained to me that she thought that as a friend I should have been able to put what I was going through to the side and assist her. I replied that as a friend I feel that I should have been given a pass in light of the circumstances. So who's right?? Honestly, I think we both are. I think that as friends, we do put ourselves and our shit to the side to be there for our friends. However, I do believe that at times, our friends can't be what we may want them to be all the time. And we have to accept that of them. I think that's the part that bothers me the most with this friend. I feel that there was a lack of acceptance of the many sides of me. The one time I can't be what you want me to be or what you may be accustomed to from me, you turn your back on me. For me friendship is accepting the good, bad, ugly, and indifferent sides of that person. There are things about my best friends that I can't stand and drive me nuts but at the end of the day, I love them for who they are - all parts of them. Conversely, I KNOW there are things about me that my friends can't stand (ummm what time do I have to be there??? LOL) but despite these character flaws, they are as invested in me just as I am in them (SIDEBAR: ladies, don't even think about asking me about this because I ain't tellin'! LOL) So where do I go from here? Hell if I know! I've reached out to this friend two times after this initial email exchange and have heard NADA, zippo, zilch. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I've done all that I can and all that I'm willing to do. If she decides that she is ready to talk, then I'm there. However, if this is the end of the road then 'thanks for the memories!" That was a hard decision for me to make but in the spirit of this new phase in my life, I have to be honest with how this situation has made me feel. This is new for me but then again this is a new me. Baby steps my friends, baby steps.

Friday, March 02, 2007

Tomorrow is my 31st birthday. It's a bittersweet milestone. I'm officially IN my thirties. I look at my life and I am no where near where I wanted to be at this point. It's weird when you're like 16, 31 seems so far off and you have these visions of where you'll be, what you'll do, and what you'll have accomplished. But then life plays out and the gap between the life you envisioned and the life you're living grows wider and wider.

I called my birthday party a Celebration of All Things Beautiful: Life, Love, and Me. What a farce. From where I'm standing today, life is blah, love stinks, and me? Well, I still look good. Planning this birthday in the midst of a breakup has been the most hollow, empty experience ever. I don't even feel like celebrating. Which is strange for me because I believe my birthday should be a National Holiday. But my friends would kill me. So to avoid death on my birthday, I planned this celebration. I feel like I'm doing this more for them than for me. I'll show up, smile, laugh, drink, eat, drink, dance, drink (in that order) like I'm supposed to. But I will still feel empty. I hope my performance wins me an award from the Academy.

Yesterday on the subway, an Asian guy hit on me!! I was flabbergasted. He told me I was beautiful and asked me for my number. I kind of stammered out that I had a boyfriend, since that's been my automatic response for a while and I didn't know what else to say (yes, I thanked him for the compliment! I may be going through some thangs but I'm not rude!!! LOL). I should have given him my phone number. We could have had a tribe of video vixens or maybe even some Caublinasions like Tiger. He got off at my stop (another shock. I'm still adjusting to this new Harlem). Maybe I'll see him again.