Friday, March 23, 2007

Do you know how many times I've come to this site, stared at this blank box, and have tried to will myself the courage to express my innermost thoughts, musings, and other random commentary? I'll tell you. Nine. Yes over the past 21 days, I sat here 9 times trying to come up with something witty, entertaining, thought provoking, intellectual, overall an expression of me. But as much as I try to push it to the side, the only thoughts that loom in the forefront are related to the 2 things that cause me the greatest pain and stress: my love life and my lack of a professional life. Two of the most depressing and crippling aspects of my life. Who wants to read that? Better yet, who wants to write that? I've written about it enough. Like a DVD, I wish life had the scene selection feature. Even though I know the bad parts exist and that I have lived through them, at least I could skip over them. So I guess in the meantime, I've kind of placed myself in timeout or the "alone zone" as I used to call it in my teaching days. As much as I want to be out there at participating in this thing called life, I needed to separate myself and figure out some things. I cant say that I have figured out anything to date, but at least I'm not staring at a blank box anymore. Baby steps my friends, baby steps.

How long is too long for a disagreement between "friends" to fester? When do you reach the point of "do I continue to try and revive this? or "Time of death is..... "This" being this "friendship". Obviously I'm at odds with a friend. We are at odds I think because fundamentally, we have different opinions on what it means to be a friend. This friend called me for relationship advice when I was still raw with emotion from my own relationship woes. I apologized and told her that I couldn't be that person for her right now. I was in no place ready, willing, nor able to discuss relationships. How could I when mine was blown to smithereens (what the hell is a smithereen by the way??) 48 hours prior to this conversation? I couldn't even see a couple holding hands on the train without bursting into tears (yes this did happen) so how could I be expected to give solid relationship advice? Her response when I explained to her that I couldn't give her advice right now?? She hung up on me! While I was hurt at the time, I was also numb so , I didn't fully feel the magnitude of the situation. Through email about a week later she explained to me that she thought that as a friend I should have been able to put what I was going through to the side and assist her. I replied that as a friend I feel that I should have been given a pass in light of the circumstances. So who's right?? Honestly, I think we both are. I think that as friends, we do put ourselves and our shit to the side to be there for our friends. However, I do believe that at times, our friends can't be what we may want them to be all the time. And we have to accept that of them. I think that's the part that bothers me the most with this friend. I feel that there was a lack of acceptance of the many sides of me. The one time I can't be what you want me to be or what you may be accustomed to from me, you turn your back on me. For me friendship is accepting the good, bad, ugly, and indifferent sides of that person. There are things about my best friends that I can't stand and drive me nuts but at the end of the day, I love them for who they are - all parts of them. Conversely, I KNOW there are things about me that my friends can't stand (ummm what time do I have to be there??? LOL) but despite these character flaws, they are as invested in me just as I am in them (SIDEBAR: ladies, don't even think about asking me about this because I ain't tellin'! LOL) So where do I go from here? Hell if I know! I've reached out to this friend two times after this initial email exchange and have heard NADA, zippo, zilch. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I've done all that I can and all that I'm willing to do. If she decides that she is ready to talk, then I'm there. However, if this is the end of the road then 'thanks for the memories!" That was a hard decision for me to make but in the spirit of this new phase in my life, I have to be honest with how this situation has made me feel. This is new for me but then again this is a new me. Baby steps my friends, baby steps.

1 comment:

rashad said...

welcome back janelle. selfishly speaking, i wish you would write about your innermost feelings a bit more. treat your blog like your write about the good, bad, ugly and the indifferent. You never know when someone will identify with what you're going through.

And your friend will come around..the good ones always do