Tuesday, March 27, 2007

I interviewed last week for a job I really want. It was my third interview and by far the hardest interview I have ever had to endure. In the event that my future colleagues stumble upon the fact that I have a blog, I will save my impressions of that interview for a later date. But I bring up this interview because I feel like I'm in a holding pattern, suspended in time and space. They told me that I would hear back from them this week. Yes I know it's only Tuesday but it's still THIS week. I checked my email at 3 this morning as if the recruiter couldn't sleep from the joy of offering me the position and had to let me know at an ungodly hour (sidebar: if God created the world, and time, etc. what is so "ungodly about 3 in the morning??? ). I don't know if my anxiety is because I really want this job (I really do) or if I'm just tired of being unemployed (I really am). Being unemployed is a humbling experience. I wish it on no one and everyone, all at the same time. The ability to walk away from a career as I did was both frightening and exhilarating. Frightening because I had no safety net. I had no clue what I was going to do. All I knew was that teaching wasn't for me. And I had to get out fast before I lost myself in the fundamental inadequacies of the board of miseducation. I walked away feeling exhilarating because I have never experienced walking away on my terms. Yes I've left other jobs before but it was only when something else came my way. I stayed because it was there, even if I hated it. But this time, people looked at me like I was crazy. But I honestly felt that this particular job wasn't my calling. Over those 3 years I watched all my hopes and dreams vanish. You walk into it all idealistic and with plans for change and growth. I knew it was time for me to leave when I didn't care anymore. Now those are three years I will never get back. I still believe that the right career is out there for me but I never anticipated that it would take this long. I took that leap of faith and am still soaring until I land where I am intended to be. Yes there are days when I feel like I have made the biggest mess of my life. It doesn't help when those around keep asking you "You get a job yet??" I know its out of concern and probably lack of conversation, but don't you think if I got a new job, I would have told you??? I'm not looking to work for the CIA; I'm not the next James Bond. There will be no need for secrecy when I gain employment.

So I saw my friend from the previous blog this weekend. We both attended a birthday party for a mutual friend. I wish I was the next James Bond and had one of those special spy cameras pinned to my coat when we walked in to capture her double take. I say we because I walked in with my current "ex". He was invited to the birthday bash as well so we went together. He and I have been hanging out a lot lately. But that's another blog for another day. I know she was dying DYING to ask me what was up. But I didn't say boo! Yes I was cordial. I spoke and participated in group conversation. I have to thank my ex for that. At one point in the evening the three of us shared a cab. Actually, that occurred twice that evening. But anyway, each time he initiated and drove the conversation. He knows about the fallout between us - which is weird for me because in telling him about it I had to reveal how I really feel about the breakup. Left up to me there would have been a very comfortable silence in the back of those taxis. I don't know how he did it but he got us both talking without really talking to each other and without talking about anything heavy on a fun night. It was weird, after that first cab ride, I almost forgot that there were issues between us. We all exited the cab, laughing and joking, ready to party, like there was nothing going on. I love him for that. Sigh. Well anyway.........I write all of this to say, that on some level, I realize that our friendship will never be the same. Whatever was there is gone. I've had many many many disagreements with my best friend. But despite it all, we have never wavered on our commitment to our friendship. And honestly, I don't feel committed to trying to working through this. Maybe it's because so many things in my life are up in the air, suspended in time and space just like me. maybe when other areas of my life become more settled, I can focus on repairing this friendship. Maybe not. I thank her for being in my life for the time she was meant to be here. I don't say this to shun her. If by some miracle, we come to an understanding, then yeah, we could be friends but definitely not on the same level. And I'm okay with that.

1 comment:

rashad said...

What's ungodly about 3am? as chris rock says, when's the last time you went to an atm at that hour for something good? sex, alcohol, or some type of adult movie viewing go down at that hour..

and your cab ride brings up an interesting point. why are folks so scared to be silent with one another? i don't get that

and your job is coming soon and very soon