Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Yeah I know it's been a while since I've posted. Considering my last post and all the phone calls, emails, text messages I've received since, I know many are worried about me. Put your fears to rest, I will be fine. No I'm not under suicide watch or eating a pint of Haagen Dazs ice cream 3 times a day. That's not to say that I didn't mean what I wrote. That was probably the most raw and unedited I have ever written. That was a peak into my true thoughts and emotions that I don't readily share unless I have it scripted and filtered in my head first. I still feel what I wrote but at a duller intensity. Honestly, I doubt that will ever go away. I am changed.

Even though I haven't written in a while, there have been some wonderings in my mind:

* Why does it take so long to bury rich/famous people??? James Brown was dead over a month before his children buried him in an undisclosed location. Undisclosed because they don't want other family members to know where he is!! Anna Nicole is beginning to look like the crypt keeper, according to the medical examiner's office, and her people are fighting over her remains. If I ever become rich and famous, fight over my money not my dead body. If I am not given an appropriate service befitting all the wonderful contributions I've made in this life, then forget about getting your grubby hands on my millions. I guess Biggie was right: "more money, more problems". At least when you're broke, your family will scramble to get you buried and make sure you look good for the wake.

**Why do people approach me to ask for directions??? Somehow on a crowded New York street, train, bus, or even in a store, people will walk up to me and ask me for directions or advice. I've told people the best way to get somewhere, pointed them in the right direction when they get turned around. I've even had a group of people ask me to choose a restaurant for them!! A lady asked me yesterday which exit is the best exit out of Macy's. Why me??? What is it about me that makes people think I would know the answer to that question??? Lets not forget about the people who strike up a conversation with me on the train. People tell me their life stories as the train rolls from station to station. Yes, I always travel with a book, or at least the games on my cell phone. But that doesn't matter. People talk to me. Why me?? How do they pick me out in a crowd??? As most native New Yorkers, I don't necessarily walk around with a smile on my face. Maybe my ice grill isn't cold enough. LOL

***Why has the Dreamgirls soundtrack played over and over in my mind for the past couple of days??? No just one song. The whole damn soundtrack. As I walk down the street, while I'm eating, trying on clothes in a store, even using the bathroom (yeah I hummed "We Are a Family" as I sat on the toilet!! LOL). It's playing in my head right now! I don't mind (at least not yet) but the funny thing is I don't own the soundtrack (at least not yet)!

Until next time folks.......

Monday, February 19, 2007

Unconditional steadfast is my love for you but all I get in return are conditions and stipulations. Like Mary said " Loving you/ everyday/ don't you look no more love without a limit." I could still sing right along with her but your words and actions are telling me the feeling is not mutual. I open up and you pull the rug out from under me. I'm empty, naked to the world, no longer confident in the woman I am. How could you caress the small of my back, infiltrate every aspect of my life, and then when I finally believe in you and what we have you snatch it all away? I waved the white flag and surrendered but you shot me anyway. I gave all that I have. There's nothing left. I wish I could hate you. It would make it so much easier to walk away. I should hate you for the person I've become but in some twisted way I blame myself. So instead of hating you, I hate me.
Omarion, can you tell me how you got this "icebox where (your) heart used to be"? I'm trying but my tears keep melting it. But I can't stand it. How much more can I take. One heatbreak after the next. I want to be cold. Cold will numb me to the outside world. Life will be easier without emotions. I can't trust my emotions. anymore. I'm through with love.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Friendship, friendship
It's the perfect blendship.
When other friendships have been forgot,
Ours will still be hot!

No I haven't taken to writing poetry. Those are the lyrics from a song from the musical "Anything Goes". These words have been playing over and over in mind over the past week. I received an email last week from a news website that I've been meaning to unsubscribe from. Usually I delete them from my mailbox but on this particular day the subject line grabbed my attention and I opened it. It was in this random piece of "junk" email, I learned that the best friend of an ex-boyfriend passed away unexpectedly the night before. I was floored. Memories came flooding back of my interactions with this person. You know how it is - you start dating someone and through that relationship you develop fleeting friendships with their friends. My ex and his best friend were as tight as I've ever seen 2 grown men in my adult years. Right or wrong, they stood by each other and to me, there was never a question about their love and loyalty to each other. My memories of them are filled with jokes and laughter - even after the "relationship" ended, he always had a joke and a smile (along with the nickname he gave me that I haven't been able to shake 12 years later) whenever our paths crossed.

But I still can't believe that he's gone. I know death knows no boundaries. There is no guarantee that our expiration dates are in the far far distant future. There's no "perfect age" to die. But when you read that someone who was 38 dies of "natural causes", it's disturbing. What is natural about dying at 38??? Natural is the way my great-grandmother died - in her sleep after 92 years of a fulfilling life. While I miss her and wish to hold her hand, to talk and laugh with her, there was a part of me that had prepared myself for what was to come because as sad as I was I knew death was inevitable at her age.

Maybe it's out of empathy for someone I care about but I've been thinking about my best friends and how would I feel if they were gone tomorrow. I don't speak to these three women as often as we used to when we were kids but I can't imagine life without them. Because of who they are, what we've been through, and the possibilities of what lies ahead, I love these women as if we were born together(I'd still be the youngest!! LOL). Yeah I could sit here and say "oh I'm going to make more of an effort to call them, hang out with them, etc., etc. " but is that out of some sort of guilt that I may be feeling because I am blessed to still have my best friends here and know that there are only a phone call away? I can't answer that and I don't know if that effort is forthcoming. All I know is throughout my life when other friendships have come and gone, falling to the waist side, ours has always been hot through horrible wardrobe choices, different hairstyles, drama-filled relationships, and all the other elements that plagued us over the past 20 years. (SIDEBAR: damn I feel old when I say I've known ANYTHING or ANYONE for over twenty years. LOL)

To my girls: I love you more than I have ever expressed. You are a part of me forever and always.
Rest in Peace, Shawn. Thanks for the memories, and reminding me of the true qualities of friendship.

Friday, February 02, 2007

I love walking in Harlem in the morning. The neighborhood is just coming alive. Children are cranky about being dragged to school (literally in some cases..LOL). People are speed walking to catch their train or their bus. Can't be late for that j-o-b. The older gentlemen from my building are holding court out front with their morning papers. During my walk this morning there was something that disturbed me. Can someone please explain to me the need for a liquor store to be open at 9 in the morning?? During my walk this morning I saw 2 liquor stores open. Not only were they open at that hour but one of them had a line of customers. Now, I understand why Dunkin Donuts is open early in the morning. Coffee, donuts, muffins and bagels - all breakfast staples. So they need to be open when people typically eat breakfast. But I'm struggling to find a valid reason why the liquor store was open next door to the Dunkin Donuts? Are people dunking their donuts in Kettel One instead of coffee? Is life that hard that you need a fresh bottle of Ripple to get your day started? Which goes better with scrambled eggs - Absolut or Jack Daniels?

So I was recently told that as usual February 14th is going to suck. This wouldn't be so bad or out of the ordinary if I weren't in a relationship. Wait let me back up. It wouldn't be so bad if I weren't in such a good relationship. Those who know me know that last year this time I was in a crappy relationship so the lack of a declaration of love and devotion wasn't surprising. What bothers me more than the fact that the man in my life has to go on a business trip from the 13th through the 15th is that I am actually bothered by not celebrating a day I have NEVER celebrated. Yes, I have NEVER celebrated Valentine's Day. EVER. Well I've never celebrated the day with a man. Getting drunk with my girlfriends and hiring a stripper for the occasion may count as a memorable Valentine's celebration but I don't think Hallmark makes a card for that. I can count on one hand how many cards/gifts I received from those who claimed to have loved me in the past. No romantic dinners, no floral bouquets, and thankfully, no boxes of chocolate. Maybe my disappointment lies in my deep down, never revealed notion that I somehow expected him to redeem all the past losers I've dated and make up for the mistakes of all of them. Not only is that unfair to him, I know how irrational that sounds. While the rational side of me says " I know he cares for me. I don't need some Hallmark fabricated day to know how he feels for me.", the irrational side of me is stomping her feet like a 2 year old having a temper tantrum in the aisles of Toys R Us, screaming. "IT'S NOT FAIR! I WANT THE BEST DAMN VALENTINE'S DAY, AND I WANT IT NOWWWWWWWWW!" With maturity comes the realization that I am going to have to slap the crap out of my irrational side just to shut her up. I am trying to be mature about this. Thankfully, I have enough sense to have not said anything to him about it. I was very ladylike when he told me: "For real??? Damn, that sucks. Oh well, we can celebrate it another day, I guess". In reality I wanted to give in to my 2 year old temper tantrums, but I realize a) nothing will change about the situation and 2) I will definitely look like a crazy woman. He doesn't deserve that. So on Valentine's Day, I will cherish the love we have (ummm is that from a song????), and celebrate all of life's blessings. I promise to stay away from romantic restaurants, flower shops, and chocolate. Unless anyone actually wants to see my rendition of a 2 year old's temper tantrum. If so, meet me in the Barbie aisle at Toys R Us.