Friday, November 16, 2007

I need a Husband. ASAP. Particularly a husband with a large family. Explicitly, a husband with a large family that is gathering together for Thanksgiving dinner. My need for a husband is not only urgent but practical during this holiday season. Forget all the love shit (still not inspired to believe in it for me; not yet anyway). Me having a husband who's family is hosting Thanksgiving dinner is the ONLY reason my family would accept for me to miss Turkey Day with them.

Here's the deal. I love my family. Really I do. But just like my best friend's most adorable, most lovable Yorkie on the planet, I'd rather love them from a distance because I'm allergic to the family and dogs. But this isn't your normal allergy: no itchy, watery eyes; no stuffy nose; no hives. When it comes to my family, my nerves are allergic to them. See, many of my family members (not all) get on my fucking nerves. I mean that in the nicest way possible. Really I do. Unfortunately, Benadryl and Claritin just wont help in this situation.

So I figure a Holiday Hubby would be a perfect cure for my family allergy. No more heated arguments over spades, where my grandmother will curse me out if I underbid my hand (yes, literally CURSE ME OUT...hahahahah). No more trying to remember my aunt's fourth husband's name. No more fighting my other's aunt's dog for my plate of food. No more dying from embarrassment when someone pulls out the photo album filled with naked baby pictures of yours truly. No more dodging creepy looks from my crazy older cousin after everyone laughs over said photo album. No more having to explain the choices I've made in life both personally and professionally. I can just go to my Holiday Hubby's family's house, eat, have polite conversation, stay out of family politics, and go home with a piece of pie for later.

The downside of this cure is that I will miss my mother's cooking. Even though the family will assemble at my grandmother's house this year, my mother is going down 2 days early to cook. THANK THE LORD!!!! My grandmother and my mother's 2 sisters are not master chefs. I have mastered the art of pushing food around on my plate and have starved at plenty of family events to know this for a fact. However, since the Iron Chef is my mother, and I just so happen to be her favorite (and only) child, I'm pretty sure I can ask for a Thanksgiving replica in the middle of August, stuffing my face with her cheesy mac & cheese, her to die for greens (my father wants me to ship him some to Tennessee...hahahahahaha), the not too sweet sweet potatoes, and all the other delectable treats. Yummmm. My mouth is just watering thinking about her cooking. Still not enough to deter me from my quest to find a Holiday Hubby.

So I need to find a Holiday Hubby this weekend. I figure if we get married on Monday, Tuesday the latest, I can call my grandmother and say "Sorry. Can't make it. I have to go to the in-laws. You know how it is! Love you! Smooches!" Or maybe I will shoot her an email. Either way, I will be off the hook.

To any prospective Holiday Husbands out there, this could be mutually beneficial. Your family will FINALLY stop asking you "When are you gonna settle down?" Well at least for one day out of the year. What I am proposing here is not long term (can't have you falling in love me...hahahahah)! We can have it annulled the Friday after Thanksgiving. You can date/fuck whomever you choose ('cause it won't be me...hahahahahaha)You go your way and I go mine. Until next year. Sometime around the 4th Thursday of November when we have to do this all over again.


rashad said...

Just recruit a good male friend of yours, go hang with him, and then ask moms to save you a plate(s). I'm sure mom won't be having it, but you can try it. Oh and for your rent-a-husband mission? Find a foreigner, they'd be all over it champ.

Janelle said...

nooo mannn, "a good male friend" won't cut it. My family won't buy it. And a foreigner will want me to stay married long enough to get him a damn green card. No thanks.

The quest continues.hahahahahahaa

Eve said...

GUUUURL....I see a VERY lucrative business opportunity here.
Rent-a-dude, rent-a-chick.
Instafamilies. Add water and mix.
Perfect for those wanting to avoid family, and for those still in the closet!

Around The Way Girl said...

This is hilarious. Actually I need to sign up for this too! How much?????