Thursday, December 06, 2007

On Monday I received an email. This email has permeated my thoughts all week. Everyday I sit at the computer and check my email, there it is sitting in my inbox marked unread (which is a lie because I did in fact read it). I could ignore it or I could give some generic response, but what point would I make by doing that. I know I have to respond eventually. I just needed some time to think about it. This was the email:

Take your time, really think about it..... WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY? I mean everything from the simplest of joys to the warmest of feelings to even the shit that's so heavy you tear up...

It was so random yet so thought provoking, so window to my soul. How the hell can I answer this?? Even sitting here writing this in the back of my mind I'm struggling with the answer. I could be psuedo-intellectual with my response and say something like: Life and the sum of all its complexities and nuances make me happy. But that my friends, while very true, is a shitty ass response to a very un-shitty question.

I know I could answer the proposed question. But what if every single answer is analyzed and probed for deeper meaning like that ink blot psychological exam? Can't a donut from Krispy Kreme when the "HOT NOW" sign lit make me and my inner chubby girl happy without some deeper darker meaning??? What will my answers reveal about me? And is that the me I want to reveal? Will I reveal too much??

In no particular order, the following make me happy:

* Laying out on a tropical beach with the sun kissing every pore of my exposed skin makes me happy.
*Looking down at my toes in one of the following colors - after sex, bourdeaux, fishnet stockings, capri, clam bake, fifth avenue, material girl or wicked after a fresh pedicure accompanied by iced chai latte painted fingernails makes me happy.
*Laughing until my cheeks hurt, my eyes squint and my sides ache.
*The "Hot Now" sign at Krispy Kreme makes me happy. (sidebar: THANK GOD they closed the Krispy Kreme on 125th street. My inner chubby girl would have won the battle and the freaking war!)
*The memories of the hand in hand slow walks with my great grandmother or the memory of me yelling across the street 'Granny, here cooooomes the bus" whenever I was leaving her apartment in the Bronx to come home.
*The memories of crawling into my grandfather's lap with my Mickey Mouse fork in hand and telling him: "It does, Poppa. For real, it tastes better on your plate. Canihavesomepleeaaaaaasssseee???"
*Writing the grandfather character in my book in the vision of who my grandfather would be if he had lived beyond 5 years of my life makes me happy.
*High heel shoes make me happy. Very high. Very happy.
*Finally finding a pair of jeans that fit my new frame makes me happy.
*Good consistent toe-curling, skin tingling, mind numbing, legs trembling, praising the Lord repeatedly, multi-orgasmic sex makes me happy. Very happy. Very very happy. Yeah I said it. (don't think I will add this one to the email though...hhahahahaha)
*Buying anything on sale makes me really happy. I'm a whore for a bargain. hahahahahahaa
*Celebrating my birthday as the National Holiday it is destined to be makes me happy.
*Filling the pages of my passport makes me happy.
*Sweet affection makes me happy.
*Staying in a warm comfy bed on a cold dreary and or rainy day makes me happy.
*Flipping through a photo album and reliving the memories they bring makes me happy.
*Taking pictures to capture new memories.
*Holding my friend's son and the way he looks up at me with those big beautiful brown eyes makes me happy.
*Spending time with my sisters and realizing that we are more alike than different makes me happy.
*My friends, my precious precious gems in all of their beauty, sophistication, intelligence, psuedo-ignorance, comedy, drama, love and support always makes me happy.
*Dancing makes me happy. Dancing to my favorite song of the moment makes me happy. (I really think I think I'm Beyonce sometimes on the dance floor....hahahahahahaha)
*The sound of music makes me happy (not the Julie Andrews movie, the actual beat and sound of music....hahahahahaha)
*A compliment makes me happy.
*A sugar-free skim cinnamon dolce latte with no whip makes me and my svelte figure very happy.
*The woman I am - at this very second, this precise moment in life with all of my quirks and inconsistencies makes me happy.
*A great tasting drink makes me happy. (not in the "I'm an alcoholic I need help" kind of way. More in the "I'm out having a good time life couldn't be better" kind of way. hahahahaha)
*Leaving the salon with my hair freshly pressed makes me happy.
*Trying something new makes me happy.
*A big bear hug, completely wrapped in his arms, safe from all the bullshit and the drama of life makes me happy.
*Writing brings me joy.

I could go on and on and on and on and on. As I began to write, everything just started to flow. But I still worry if I have revealed too much or too little about me. What are my ink blots saying about me? I challenge you to think about what TRULY makes you happy. What do your ink blots say about you?

1 comment:

rashad said...

The "writing brings me joy" comment says it all Janelle, and after reading this entry I can truly say that makes two of us who get joy from your keystrokes. Please keep it up.