Friday, December 14, 2007

Since Christmas is less than 2 weeks away, I figured I've put off my letter to Santa long enough. And since Santa is one of my millions of readers, why not post it here instead of mailing it. I save money on postage and I save a tree on this paperless letter. Just keep those brownie points coming, Santa.

Dear Santa:
As you already now, I've been pretty good this year. Not seeking a nomination for sainthood but overall, I've been loving, kind, selfless, supportive, giving, good-natured, truthful (for the most part), hardworking, etc. etc. (Santa, on second thought, you may want to reconsider that sainthood application...hahahaha.) In the spirit of the giving nature of this season I am writing to you not for myself but for what I wish for others. In no particular order here's my Christmas wish list:

My Grandmother: Santa, can you please give my grandmother a high grade spam filter on her computer. Better yet, make that a filter that will trash all the "AOL will send you a check if you send this to 20 people" emails and the "Beware there's cancer in ketchup" emails and the computer virus threats that were supposedly heard on CNN but are nowhere mentioned on the CNN website. Despite my protests to her 20 email warnings a day, she still sends them out. Oh, and could you tell her that yes, I love Jesus and that I pray for her, the refugees, the troops, the sick children, Bob Barker and cures for every disease on the face of the planet so there is no need to bombard me with 20 more emails directing me to do so. Oh, and please tell her that my faith in the Lord is not dictated by how many emails I forward.

Al Sharpton: Well, Santa, initially I was going to ask you to give him a years supply of Creme of Nature No-lye Relaxers but since all of his friends, business associates, along with all records for his organization and business ventures have been subpoenaed by the Feds and the IRS, I changed my mind. Can you either please give him a Johnny Cochran-esque lawyer or a one way ticket to Cuba? I don't want to see Big Perm go down like that and be without....his hair care products. They won't give him a touch up every 6 weeks in prison. And that sight would be a crime.

My neighbor: Santa, please please please give this man a clue. I don't care how snazzy he thinks his jogging suits with the matching Kangol turned to the back are. I don't care how loud he makes his girl scream in the middle of the night. I don't care how many times he grins in my face in front of said woman or his friends with teeth missing all on the side of his damn mouth. I don't care how many times he gives me a compliment or asks me "where's the party at tonight?". Santa, can you please clue dude into the fact that I DON'T WANT HIS OLD ASS!! There is no drug or alcohol concoction that would even make me consider giving him the business. I've tried to be polite, Santa. But I think he's too dense to realize that I have been brushing him off for years. So maybe with your gift of a clue, he will just say "hi, neighbor" without the head to toe gazing and keep it moving.

My Legions of Fans, My Millions of Readers: Santa, please give them all fingertip exercise machines. That way their fingers will have the strength to type a comment on this here page. I can only assume that weak fingertips is the condition that is keeping them from posting a comment on their favorite website. hahahahahaa

Rashad: Santa, this is my most loyal reader and commenter. Please grant him everything on his Christmas wish list before he shits on the bitch. (Santa, if you're not a Biggie fan then you really won't get the joke. hhahahahahahaaa)

Alllllllll of my friends (the real ones not the fake ass wannabes): Santa, I have been blessed with a great group of friends that has expanded exponentially over the past year. If I were to list a wish for each and everyone of them, we would be here until June. So please give them a token of my love, a gesture of my thanks, something that lets them know just how much I love them and would be lost in this cold heartless world without them in my life. There is no amount of bling to compare to my true friends.

My mother: Santa, please give her at least a B+ in her class this semester. She is stressing out and therefore stressing me out. I took the class 10 years ago, how am I supposed to help her now??? I am sooo proud of her decision to return to school. So please, please, please, give her at least a B+ so she can remain on the Dean's List, and thus stop stressing me out.

Hustle: Santa, please give this man a vacation. That's all I'm gonna say. Oh wait, can you also tell him that he is not going to win but he can keep trying. He'll know what that means. hahahahahaha

Santa, there are sooo many people that I have wishes for. Like Michael Vick ( a hood repellent that gives him some damn sense when he's making millions of dollars to know he can't participate in hood activities no mo') and Don Imus (nappy headed grandchildren who grow up to be nappy headed hoes) and Rudy Giuliani (20 sessions of speech therapy to correct that damn Daffy Duck lisp) and George Bush (an eviction notice from the White House sooner rather than later. Oh wait he's never there in the first place, never mind.). I could go on and on but I need to start working on my own Christmas wish list. You didn't think I would completely forget about what I want for the sake of others???? Shiiiiiit, save that for the saints.

Thanks, Santa!!!!




rashad said...

I dig this entry, and not just because I got a shoutout and some linkeration in the bloggery. Good shit Janelle. My santa bless you with more readers and more commenters

E said...

Santa has been very good to you this year!!!! And even YOU deserve a break from the whirlwind worries of the world (read: your friends and loved ones - of which i'm blessed to be counted among). Remember you are loved, Saint J, today and every other day!!!