Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Real Talk Tuesday.....On a Wednesday

Yes I know yesterday was supposed to be Real Talk Tuesdays (like the title??). But yesterday's post was supposed to be Monday's post, and when I sat down to compose my real talk-isms, that entry was all up in my cerebrum, taking up much needed space, daring me not to pound it out on my keyboard. Get it?

So for the sake of continuity, we're just gonna say today is Tuesday so I can post my isms on he weekly basis I intended. Got it? So without further adieu:

TOP TEN REAL TALK-ISMS OF THE WEEK (in no particular order):

Real Talk: Rocking a head scarf, bamboo earrings (at least 2 pair), an "ethnically" printed dress, and oversized sunglasses does not hide the fact that you are a white girl strolling in Harlem. Don't try to assimilate. Not all of us dress like that. Now, give me my damn head scarf back.

Real Talk: If you are over the age of 10, overalls are soo not cute. And I don't know which is worse: one strap buckled or both.

Real Talk: Men: If I ever see you repeatedly putting on chapstick in public (especially the red one), don't even bother talking to me. I will already assume that you are a questionable sexual. There are just certain things a woman doesnt want to know about a man. Yes, we want you to have soft kissable lips but we don't care to know how you keep them so soft. You could rub lard across your lips for all we care. And if you MUST use chapstick, DON'T BUY THE RED ONE.

Real Talk: Ladies: The pantyhose with the open toe/peep toe shoes MUST STOP. When was this ever in style? This seriously makes me cringe. Stop being lazy and lotion up your legs and feet, put your shoes on, and walk out the door. I want a presidential sanction for this offense. You may receive a pardon if you are over 80 but even that's not guaranteed.

Real Talk: If you are wider than ummmm I don't know, the state of Kansas, don't plop down in a seat on the train with half your "state" in my lap. You paid the MTA to ride the train, not ride me (pause).

Real Talk: Everything about you can't be fake. If you're wearing a weave, colored contacts, acrylic nails, carrying a fake Fucci bag, and wearing matching fake Fucci shoes (Fucci = fake + Gucci), stay your ass at home. If you hadn't bought the weave and the colored contacts you might have been able to afford the real Gucci bag (a really small one).

Real Talk: If you toss a container of frozen rock solid ice cream over my head in the supermarket, expect to get cursed the fuck out. I don't give a rat's ass if it's Sunday and you clearly have on Church clothes. For that reason alone, you should have known better, asshole.

Real Talk: If you call your child a motherfucker in the supermarket (or anywhere for that matter), don't be mad if I laugh when he says "no, you a mothafucka, mommy."

Real Talk: Starbucks is really addictive. I had 3 skinny cinnamon dolce iced lattes yesterday and I'm about to have my second one today. I even swiped someone's receipt yesterday morning so I could get 2 iced lattes yesterday evening for 2 bucks each. Somebody find me a rehab (and I'll say no, no, no! LOL)

Real Talk: Sometimes you just have to let the inner freak out of you. At someone's child's first birthday party is just not one of those times.

So there you have it. Any others you can think of??? Good.


rashad said...

I have violated that chapstick rule before..but I was in Chicago and it was hella windy

makeba said...

Real Talk...your Real Talks were so long I could not concentrate! LOL

£ex said...

lol @ rashad

but yeah janelle you are making some salient points here lol

and seriously throwing containers of ice cream over peoples heads in the market?? who does this?

and the pantyhose with open toes? DO NOT get me started. Like i don't even get it. whats the motivation? I don't even like wearing pantyhose with closed toes, i can't imagine rocking them with open toes and sandals.

JazzBrew said...

Me too on the chapstick rule but I'm a trumpet player. In the words of Bleek Gilliam in Mo' Better Blues... "I make my living with my lips!"

I'm with you on the train situation... being a "sleek" brother I find myself getting crushed on the regular.

Janelle said...

Rashad: it better not have been the red one. thats little's girls lip stick hahahahaha

keba: did you take your Ritalin today??! LOL

Lex: That's exactly what I told that Steve Urkel looking dude in his church clothes (but with a few expletives thrown in for good measure! LOL)
And I too am anti-panty hose. We should start a movement. hahahaha

jazz: you might get a pass on the chapstick rule but you better have your trumpet nearby. and please don't use the red one! LOL
I don't get crushed I get sat I'm somehow apart of the seat.