Wednesday, January 30, 2008

In the midst of all of the around the clock TLC I've been bestowing on my mom, I had a date this weekend. Looking back I think my mother manipulated me into leaving the house for something other than a pharmacy run or a grocery store excursion. I received an out of the navy blue, random phone call from a guy I dated back in high school. Yes, this seems to be a recurring theme with me these days but more on that later. I hadn't really spoken to him in over a year. A mutual friend had given him my number way back in the winter of '06. When he called, I told him I was in a relationship. He told me right then and there, "It won't last. He's not the one for you." I chalked it up to male bravado and bruised ego. Like “how dare you be with someone when I want to be with you?” And in true Janelle fashion, I told him exactly where I thought his comments were coming from. Our conversation pretty much ended with his "Call me when it's over". He sporadically called for months after that conversation, even in the midst of all of that foolishness that he predicted. But I never answered the phone. He would leave a message and I might text him back. I guess I was afraid to admit that his prediction was accurate and I thought I may have to owe him 2.99/minute for that psychic reading. After awhile, the sporadic phone calls became even less sporadic. I can't even tell you the last time he called before Friday. We had a brief New Years Eve text exchange. You know "Have a great '08" and all that ish. He asked if I was single again. I told him I was. He responded with " I told you so". I replied "LOL". But that was it. Until Friday.

When his out of state number came up on my caller ID, I hesitated for a minute. But I really didn't have a reason not to speak to him. So in my mind I said Fuck it and answered with a "hey there, stranger". He informed me that he was in town and wanted to see me. I told him what was going on with my mother and tried to weasel out of seeing him. He insisted on bringing my mother some flowers, which I thought was a very sweet gesture. But I still tried to get out of it. My mother, overhearing my protestations, basically told me to get out of the house and that she was fine. He heard my mother through my cell phone (damn Sprint!!) and told me he would be in front of my building in 30 minutes. As I was getting dressed (with my mother telling me to wear my orange Banana Republic u-neck sweater because "it's such a pretty color on you", never mind that it frames "the girls" quite nicely I may add...hahahahaha), my mother kept telling me that I needed a break. Now over the past month, I have heard the same thing from various friends, acquaintances, etc. So to hear it from my mother must mean that I am not hiding my fatigue as well as I thought.

Long story short my date started with grabbing a bite to eat and ended with taking a drive up to Syracuse, New York. Yessss, I drove all the way up to Syracuse and drove allll the way back. I had never been to Syracuse and its one of my favorite places on the planet. See, my mom went to Syracuse University and it was in Syracuse that she met my father. So I like to call Syracuse, New York "the place where the magic happened". However, no "magic" took place on this trip. hahahahahahahaa The drive gave us an opportunity to really talk. We caught up on each other's lives. Yes, I had to hear about 30 minutes of "I told you that shit wasn't going to work". We had an IPOD battle of taking turns to test each other's musical prowess by playing hard to come by songs on each other's IPODs. We had a very heated debate over who broke up with whom all those years ago. Of course, the inevitable happened. Blast (as in "blast from the past"; that's his blog name...hahahahaha) asked me to come and visit him. Of course, my first response was "I can't. My mother...." He cut that short really quickly with "When your mom is back on her feet, come and spend a few days with me. I'll send you a ticket. You need a break". Damn, now he's in on the conspiracy too??? Of course I had an arsenal of excuses as to why I can't accept his plane ticket to see how he lives. Finally, Blast told me to cut the shit and asked me what was I so afraid of?? (Sidebar: why in the world would I want to take a knife or scissors to shit and cut it?? Where in the world did this expression come from???)

I sat there for a moment. And you know what? He’s right. I am afraid. I'm terrified of this. And just as my fear of these emotions start to ease I received an email that started like this:

"Yeah my husband (yep he my husband, LEGALLY)) may get a chance to call you
today, but if he call you then I can call you cause I WILL get your number. "
This was from a woman claiming to be Spalding’s wife. When I read the email, I didn't cry, I didn't scream. I read it like it was an email forward, completely devoid of emotion. It was right then and there, that I realized I am numb. Whether she is his wife or not, I could care less. All I know is that drama attempted to knock at my door yet again when it comes to someone I care about. I say attempted because I coolly responded to take that up with her significant other and leave me out of it. Now she doesn’t scare me despite her juvenile threats (the ONLY woman that could make me shake in my tall black stiletto boots is the one who made the magic happen in Syracuse all those years ago…hahahahaha), but the drama and aggravation just makes me want to close the door on it all, padlock my emotions away forever. And for almost a year, keeping the door to emotions closed has served me well. I’m more rational when it comes to matters of the heart. A guy doesn’t call? “Oh well” A guy leaves a message with some explanation for not calling/canceling plans? “Whatever!” A guy tells me that he just “wants to be friends”? “Coool, dude.”

Conversely, this fear terrifies me. Typically, I’m not that person who holds back. "Let's analyze it and get to the root of the problem" has been replaced by "It is what it is". I’ve become very business like, almost robotic in my dealings with men. And now, I know longer recognize me. Sure, I’m still fun-loving, still laughing, joking, and seemingly having a good time in life. But when it comes to relationships and relationship building, I run for the hills. If I were Superman, this would be my Kryptonite. My heart has been injected with a shot of Novocaine and I don't feel romantic feelings anymore. I no longer want to be that person. I want to exist somewhere in the middle between my former, fall in love at the drop of a dime romantical self and the current rational robot I've become. The middle ground for me would be cautious but not terrified to take a step and open to the possibilities of love. Somewhere in that middle ground is where the magic happens.


rashad said...

You've had quite a rollercoaster year.. But let me say this: We both know how utterly inept I was in relationships before I finally got it right. And you are WAY nicer than I was, so by that logic your magical day is coming hard and fast towards to speak

makeba said...

Hot off the press, I am loving the subscription! Anywhozzle, if you ever want to find Mr. Right you have to open your heart and mind to receive him. Each relationship past or present is a lesson for your future. Take the risk, what do you have to loose? Tireless I know, annoying for sure, comical at times, middle ground will come.