Friday, June 01, 2007

Disclaimer: To my friends: I know you don't want me to write this. You will say that this will only drag out the drama. Or you will say through revealing my emotions, I allow him access and further control over me/situation. Or you tell me "don't put your business in the street, girl". But, my beautiful gems, this is my way of releasing the pain and the hurt. I've cried; it doesn't work. Writing is my therapy, my release. By putting these thoughts into words, I am no longer holding on to anything associated with him. I am now in control of me/situation. His reaction or anyone else's reaction to this is their concern, not mine. I love you all for being so protective of me, and helping me through this, but this is just something I gotta do. I hope you understand. If you feel you can't read this I will understand. I still love you. Smooches!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Breakups. Rarely pleasant. Seldom mutual. Very often messy. The tabloids are chock full of celebrities and their former lovers battling to the bitter end. Unfortunately, I don't have to flip through the pages of US Weekly or the Enquirer for a slice of the break up drama pie.

There has to be some mathematical theorem which stipulates that the degree of intensity of the relationship must directly correlate to the degree and intensity of the breakup. So I guess it goes without saying that the manchild I loved the most has turned into the ugliest, nastiest, meanest breakups I have ever experienced. Who needs All My Children or The Young & the Restless? I have all the elements of an award winning soap opera, right here in my life.

Lies? Check.
Deceit? Betrayal? Check. Check.
Sex? Check.
Physical altercation? Check.
Back from the dead with amnesia?? Ummmm, that would be a no.

I no longer recognize the caring fun loving man I fell in love with. In his place I see a disrespectful, mean-spirited, selfish, self-centered, vindictive manchild, hell bent on controlling me and breaking my spirit. Throughout this ordeal, I've asked myself has this manchild always been here, lurking in the periphery of our relationship, waiting for his time to get acquainted with me? I must admit I saw glimpses of him - in stories he would tell, the way he dealt with ex-girlfriends, the manner in which he spoke of his friends and family at times - I would see a flash of this manchild but would cloud my vision by putting on the love glasses, and would rationalize what I saw.

The woman I see in the mirror is a stranger to me as well. The confident, self assured, rational loving woman has been recast as a tearful, emotional ( I've always been a tad, angry, hurtful, hurtfilled reactive child. I've never seen her before and her impulsivity is not what my former self is accustomed to. I've watched myself slip deeper and deeper into the manipulated hole - totally succumbing to emotions triggered solely by this manchild. When he wanted me to be happy and secure, he told me he loved me daily, caressed the small of my back as his own public display of affection, shared his dreams with me, was my loudest cheerleader and supporter. When he wanted to see the insecure me, He came out with the " you're situation is hurting our relationship. I'm not sure if we can be together. But I'll always love you." And when our situation slipped into shades of gray, instead of the clearly defined black and white it was before, I got the "you never know what our future holds, babe. You'll see." to keep me going in this charade - the hopeful me. Finally. when he wanted to see angry me, he pulled the rug and the floor out from under me, sending me into a tailspin of emotions, while he sat back and smirked, fully entertained by the gamut of my emotions, the lashing out, the crying, the sarcasm, all of it.

I don't blame him for his power over my emotions. After all, I gave it to him. Walked over and handed the remote control to him lovingly. I even showed him how to program his favorite shows through the sharing of past experiences and divulging my innermost thoughts. So with just a flick of his thumb, he could call upon any emotional show or display he felt like being entertained by at any given moment. And I gave in every.....single......time. What rational intelligent woman confident woman would do that? I've always been the type who shook her head disapprovingly at women who got caught up in the stupidity, all in the name of love. Instead I should have reached down and pulled them up because now I know exactly how it feels to exist in the gutter of your emotions. But I can't front though. Even reading what I wrote thus far, I feel stupid and weak for participating in this madness. This is so not me. How could I relinquish so much control of my life to this person? Is this what love is really about?? If it is then I'm through with it. Take it away, remove this kind of love from the menu of my life. I can't handle this level of hurt, betrayal, and pain again. But what if it's a case of me choosing the wrong person for me to love? How will I know who the right person is to love? Maybe next time, I pull the curtain back sooner, and look for the manchild lurking in the corner.

1 comment:

rashad said...

I feel like a hypocrite supporting you thru this, because the very thing you're trying to get over, i have done countless times (pre-fire of course). I would listen to women explain themselves, and i'd half listen becuase i had already moved and all that. But, judging by how well some of my ex's are doing now in the wake of my jackass behavior, you will be more than fine once this pain subsides. i suspect you've gotten a hint of this swagger back already though...