Friday, May 18, 2007

Destiny's Child has a song on their Destiny Fulfilled CD, entitled Free:

"Ain't no feeling like being free/ When your mind's made up and your heart's in the right place, yeah/ Ain't no feeling like being free/ When you've done all you could but was misunderstood, (it's all good, it's all good)/ Ain't no feeling like being free/ I'm like an eagle set free and finally I'm looking out for me/Ain't no feeling like being free/'Cause my mind's made up and my heart's in the right place, yeah/"


While this song is talking about being free from a toxic relationship (no comment), every time I hear it, I feel breezy. Like driving down an empty highway in a convertible, top down (chrome spinning...okay, maybe not. LOL), shades on, kind of breezy. Walking ocean edge on a tropical island, sun kissing your eyelashes warm kind of breezy.

"I'm like an eagle set free/Finally I'm looking out for me."
Those 12 words resonate so deep within me in a place I've closed off for far too long. Maybe this feeling illuminates from the impending proposal of a new job (you thought I was going to say something else, didn't you?? LOL). I believe this job, through Divine intervention, was tailor made just for me. I've never felt so excited in my life. (Okay, maybe on Christmas Eve when I was 5, I felt more excited. Santa and gifts were my crack of choice back then, and I was giddy for a hit of the excitement.) But I can envision me doing this job. I actually see it - me behind my desk, making a difference and running thangs (and above all getting PAID). I see my business cards in a metal business card holder on my desk and in that cute Coach business card holder in my new "congrats on getting the job" matching tote. I'm confident and optimistic like a mug. (SIDEBAR: you know I gotta ask, right. What the helllll is "like a mug"?) I've already figured out the quickest route to work in the morning; the one where I can stop at Starbucks en route for my grande skim, sugar free cinnamon dolce latte - no whip, please. Yummm

Ain't no feeling like being free....
This blog is my first public venture into the freedom of my creative voice. My friends have been nudging me for years to write something...ANYTHING - as long as I was writing. These beautiful gems saw a talent in me that I never took the time to appreciate. I just didn't see my writing as important.

"Wait a minute, I think I gotta take some time and clear my mind/'cause if I don't, I might scream/ Scream out loud."
This feeling(go back to second blog for proof) coupled with the example of my friend, Rashad's work led me to this space. This blog has ever since been cathartic, it's my therapy in a way. While its been very hard to examine my true feelings, I've faced it. But unfortunately (or fortunately, depends on how you look at it), not without restraints. Trust me, I write everyday, but fear of offending someone or revealing my true vulnerabilities, something too personal or hurtful, holds me back (well, except that one time). I'm trying to learn to shake that restraint. But the tides are changing. I'm changing. I'm feeling free.

Ain't no feeling like being free.......
I feel like I've finally entered the marathon of my life. I'm at the starting point. I'm off and running. My mind is clear(on many aspects of my life...just one more issue I wish I had the courage to resolve..whatever that resolution is going to be, I'm going to stick to it; at least try to). My mind is free to venture into the next phase of my life. I'm ready. No longer afraid. I'm crying as I write this, but each teardrop is a symbol of my joy. The joy I feel that I am finally free to be me - the REAL me; the me I am discovering each day. The me who is reaching for the impossible, the formerly unattainable. I'm exploring the possibilities that life has to offer. The possibilities of life are suddenly beautiful from my point of view. I'm going to write that book. Wait scratch that. I am CURRENTLY writing that book - the story that's been on my heart and taking up space in my head for a couple of years. Maybe purging these thoughts is where this new found "free"dom and clarity originates. Pouring my words on paper is passion personified. It's the excitement of learning the body of a new lover. I approach it tenderly at first, with trepidation, for fear of doing something completely untrue to the bond we share. I concentrate on learning the rhythm of our trysts, committing them to memory. Then with reckless abandon, I pour my everything into it, give my all just as I do with a man I love, no holding back, no holds barred. Finally, after my session, I look down at this body of work that has flowed out of me. I smile with amazement, satisfied with what I am able to accomplish, knowing my words are just as happy for the release as I am. I walk away from my body of work, tired, but anticipating the next time we can spend some alone time together again. I'm giddy just thinking about it.

Ain't no feeling' like being free......
I don't know where this rebirth came from. Honestly, I woke up one day, sat up in bed, looked out at the sky outside my window, and said, "Fuck it. Today is the beginning of my new life. Today is the day I live my dreams. Not tomorrow, TODAY." I have no idea what I was dreaming about, but whatever it was boy, that must have been one hell of a dream. And that was the day I wrote my dreams down on paper. On the first page of the notebook that now holds the beginning of my novel. That entire day I actually felt like an eagle set free, soaring amongst the clouds of my dreams. Not even my dysfunctional family could bring me down. I got reacquainted with the possibilities of my dreams, and let my mind go as far as it wanted to. I've never experienced this euphoric feeling before. It's exciting and peaceful all at the same time, exhilarating and calming. I can barely describe it(damn, if that's the case, this book thing is going to be harder than I thought...LOL) It's a feeling I never want to leave. Everyday I try to recapture that feeling. It's my fuel, my crack of choice these days if you will. My dreams, in particular, my words, are my dealer, enticing me to take a hit. And I refuse to resist. Yes, I know there will be days where I will feel discouraged and discontent. But that's the beauty of being free. I'm free to live in that moment momentarily, and then get back to chasing that high.

It feels so good to be free.........
Yes it does Michelle. Sing it again, please as I walk away, hand in hand with my dreams, embracing all my future holds for me. I'm ready for this. I was born for this. Freeee is meeeee...........

4 comments:

rashad said...

Beautiful writing janelle. As I told you yesterda, you get better and better each time you blog.

Evelyn said...

Work it girl! Freedom is the best, isn't it? I'm thrilled for you - the dirty 30's are looking better and better everyday, I tell ya!

Evelyn said...

Work it, girl! So thrilled for you - freedom is the BESTEST!

Michell said...

WOW - this was so inspiring. I started to cry just reading it. You are a wonderful writer.