My morning started out pretty good. I woke up on time. Ironed my clothes while listening to Prince on my Itunes. Danced around the house as I got myself together and it was time to leave. Before leaving the house, I checked myself out in the full mirror hanging on my bedroom door. Tan pencil skirt. Cream kimono style wrap shirt with brown, gold, baby blue, green, and white embroidery. Gold stilettos. I turn and check the booty profile. I think I'm looking pretty cute today. I leave my building, greet my security guard and the old man who reads his newspaper in the lobby every morning, and slip on my oh so lovely celebritous Marc Jacobs sunglasses. The sun is shining bright and I am in a sunny mood. It's just that kind of day. I have a date later on tonight with Hustle, and I'm looking forward to it (hence the extra effort in the cute factor of my work clothes..ummkay?!)

I descend into the subway station across the street from my apartment. I need to get a metrocard but I hear the distant rumble of my steel chariot. I use my backup card to swipe my way through the turnstile. As I pass the bench I see a neighbor and give her the grin greeting – you know the one where you don't say a word but you smile and nod in the person's direction to acknowledge the person's presence? I walk a few more steps and stand in my spot. Yes, my spot. All commuters have a spot. And if you've ridden the iron horse as much as I have in my lifetime, in certain train stations, you can stand in the exact spot where the doors will open and you will be the first on the train and hopefully get the all important seat on the train(and since my stop is the first stop on that train line I never worry about not getting a seat).

I'm standing in my spot, the rumbling is getting louder, and I see the headlights of the train as it turns the corner to enter the station. As the train approaches, I take one step closer to the edge, positioning myself to get my seat (yeah I have a particular seat on the train too..hahahahaa). I hear a "WHAT THE FUCK?" in a deep baritone voice and a half ass " 'cuse me." Before I could turn to see what happened, I feel a nudge. No I take that back. I feel a whole body shove and I stumbled forward. I feel someone grab my arm and help to reverse the momentum of me falling either in to the path of the train or being slammed against the train as it passed by. In the midst of all this, I yell "WHAT THE HELLLL?" and I too get a half ass " 'cuse me" from a fat bitch with a nasty rat's nest weave sitting on top of her head as she passes me by. The train comes to a stop, the doors open, and the other passengers who were boarding ask if I'm alright. I say yes but I'm a little shaken up. I mean that bitch almost killed me. Her first victim, a husky chocolate brother, sits across from me. He tells me she bumped him hard like she was checking him on the field. I had no clue what that meant but I assume that was some sport reference, and shake my head incredulously, shocked at the kind of crazy I encountered this morning. He then goes on to say "She bumped me but she pushed you on purpose" and the other passengers nod in agreement. What the helllll??? All I did was walk into the damn train station. So now I'm pissed but I try to play it off like "whatever. I'm not going to let her ruin my day." I shrug and dismiss her as crazy. The guy starts making jokes about the validity of her femininity and the whole car is chuckling. I dig in my bag and pull out my IPOD. I need some Maxwell, Jill Scott, and Joe to calm my nerves (sidebar: I really need to step up my jazz game on my beloved IPOD. Any suggestions??). As we pull into the next station, guess who walks through the connecting doors from the other car?? That's right. Crazy Bitch. Everyone either groans or rolls their eyes. She stomps through the car like she is auditioning for America's Next Top Psychotic Model and this is her crazy ass runway. Chocolate gives her the serious ice grill – like touch me again and I will body slam you. I just shrug my shoulders and continue to place my headphones in my ears. I secretly pray that she is going to continue on to the next car. NO SUCH LUCK. Crazy Bitch sits diagonally across from me and proceeds to ice grill me. The entire car is watching. My neighbor who took the seat next to me leans in and whispers "do you know this chick?" "Helllll no" with a laugh is my response. On the inside, all kinds of crazy shit is running through my mind like "oh shit somebody named manchild hired a hit woman to off me" like this is the Sopranos or "was she trying to steal my heavy ass purse?" or "Ashton is that you? Am I being PUNK'D?". However, on the outside, I am cooler than the air conditioning blowing in my office. I change the playlist on my IPOD to the "STRUT" playlist and immediately start bopping my head and dancing in my seat. I cross my leg and let my foot wiggle in time to the beat. Life is a party and her crazy episodes have no bearing on me. I glance over, she is still ice grilling me and Chocolate sitting across from me. He leans over and says "I think we have an admirer." I tell him "That's all you playa" as I laugh and put my headphone back in my ear.

The train continues on its ride through the city, and eventually I ignore Crazy Bitch. I'm not insane though. I do glance her way a few times, just to keep an eye on her and any sudden crazy movements. The next stop is my stop – finally. And I can leave Crazy Bitch to ice grill Chocolate. Sorry dude, but she is like your height, your weight; you can handle her. Me on the other hand, I know she would kick my ass. I'd give a good fight if I had to but, in the end, it would be my ass kicked, not hers. As the train passes through the station before the next stop, Crazy Bitch jumps up. I'm thinking "awwwww shit! Crazy Bitch is going to finish her mission in Times freaking Square." She walks over to the map at the other end of car and hovers over the people sitting beneath it. The white people who were not privy to her earlier outbursts eye her nervously. The rest of us give a collective "awww shit. here we go again!" look. After studying the map for a minute she barrels over to where Chocolate and I are sitting and stands right next to my seat. Aww hell to da naw! I did not sign up for this brand of crazy, at least not today. The train pulls into the station and I turn off my IPOD because if Crazy Bitch is going to kick my ass I at least need to hear her fat ass coming at me. I stand up to exit the train, and I can feel the dragon heat from Crazy Bitch ironing the wrinkles out of my shirt. I am terrified. Yes, I can admit my own fear. As the train doors open and I'm about to exit and I take one last look at Crazy, a good look in case I have to pick her out of a line up later. Chocolate asks me if I wanted him to get off the train with me. I tell him no and say loudly "I'M NOT AFRAID OF CRAZY!!!" Okay, so that's a boldface lie but like a dog, I can't let her smell my fear. He laughs, I chuckle, cut my eyes at crazy and quickly step off the train. As I walk to the stairs to catch my connecting train, I turn around and see Crazy Bitch is still on the train. As the doors to the train close, I wanted to stand there and say everything I wanted to say to her, every curse, every threat I could think of but then I would look like the Crazy Bitch. And unlike at my train station, they would lock up my crazy ass at Times Square.
As I walk to my next train, I think about many things. First off, of course, I think that I could be dead right now. At this very moment, I could no longer exist. I wouldn't be here right now to tell the story. This train of thought is really depressing and most importantly screwing up my day, so I try to rationalize why she did what she did. I don't know her from a hole in the wall. Can't even say I recognize her from the neighborhood. Maybe she really is crazy, and maybe didn't take her medication today. This train of thought, too is depressing. I get off the next train at my stop, and decide to stop in Starbucks. No, a venti sugar-free cinnamon dolce latte is not in my budget today but damn it, I deserve a treat, and since its too early in the morning for a shot of tequila, coffee will have to be my drug of choice. I walk into Starbucks and I hear a "HEYYYYYY stranger!" I turn around and look at the Asian woman behind me, and she is just as clueless as I was. I actually look at the guy speaking and realize that I vaguely remember from the neighborhood when I was growing up. We chat for a minute, even though I'm still dazed from my earlier incident and most importantly, I don't remember his name. He asks me what I was ordering (did I mention he works there??), I place my order and he waves away my money. Wow! "Thank you" with the most sincerest grin I could muster for No Name. I walk out sipping my ever so delicious, calorie conscious, FREE beverage and think that maybe today is going to be a good day after all. Wait until I tell Hustle this story tonight. Maybe by then I'll be able to laugh about it.