Friday, November 28, 2008

On my mind........

I've got 2 men on my mind. Most likely, not who you may be thinking of.

Blast from the Past sent me a Happy Thanksgiving text. Since that was all it said, I responded in kind. I should have known that he would call. He called this evening to inform me that he's in town and wants to see me. Oh great! I know that probably sounds a tad bit ungrateful. After all he did take me to the very beginning of my life journey - Syracuse University(where Mama Butterfly met Daddy Butterfly). And he made me face the realities of my fears when it comes to relationships and most importantly, love.

So why will I probably duck him for the rest of the weekend?? For one, we always wind up arguing. We fall in to this pattern where he will say something to piss me off, which in turns, manifests itself into an argument. Most likely, it will be about the fact that I don't call him and I why I have yet to pack my bag(s) and visit his neck of the woods. But why would I fly allll the way down to _____ to argue with someone face to face when I can just hang up on that person and not speak to him for a couple of months???

Secondly, he said something that really bothered me. We were having a heated conversation a few months back about my lack of enthusiasm of coming to visit and just as I was about to reacquaint him with Ms. D. Tone (first name Dial), he throws out there "we should just get married". Scratch the needle across the record. Whaaaat?! Blast from the Past goes on to expound on what I like to call his Jagged Edge Theory on love and commitment. To paraphrase he said something like "look, you're single; I'm single. Why don't we just get married. You're not getting any younger." Hold up! Stop the press! Did he just basically say "we ain't gettin' no younger/we might as well do it" just like Jagged Edge in that damn song "Let's Get Married"?? (For the record, I hated that song just because of that damn line...well except for the remix; I gots my boogie on to that one! hahahaha)

I am not a last resort bride. I know my ideas on love and commitment are shaky at best. Wait, scratch that. My ideas aren't shaky. They may have lost that lose my self completely romantical garbage but my ideas on love and commitment, I believe, are stronger than ever. But I digress. Anyway, I told him what he could do with his half ass "proposal". When I get married, its not going to be because me and my husband to be have nothing (or no one) better to do. Nor will we be each other's choice because we got lazy and turned to former lovers as an easy route to matrimony (I learned the value of "there's a reason he's an ex"). If that's how its going to be, then "Let's stay single" to paraphrase Jagged Edge.

Lastly, the reason I will duck Blast from the Past is, most importantly, he now irks the shit out of me. I don't know if its the pointless arguing, the Jagged Edge proposal or what. All I know is that speaking to him feels like I'm taking 3 steps back and 1 to the side. And why would I cheat myself out of all the growing I've done. Don't get me wrong; he's a nice guy, attractive and ambitious, but just not the one for me. Maybe I'll tell him someone came with an offer better than one of convenience and he can remain where he's supposed to be - in the past.

I know I said there were 2 guys on my mind. But I'm tired and quite frankly the other guy needs his own post (shit it might be a whole series). But I'll say this: I miss my friend terribly (and yes he was a friend sans benefits; we never even kissed). Unfortunately, I doubt we will ever be the kind of friends we used to be. I'll leave it right there for now. Maybe one day I'll be brave enough to bare my soul and tell the story.

(while typing this post, this was the soundtrack in my mind. apropos)


rashad said...

Those jagged edge proposals are all the rave from what I hear..and its gets worse as you get older

Chubbs said...

i love that song Janelle!

And, sounds like you know what you want, and that really means so much in a world where people marry just for the sake of "getting older" or "sharing a mortage." BFTP has his name for a reason, and perhaps, he should not waste his time or yours anymore. Like I always say, some people come into our lives to show us what we don't want.

Okay, so forget BFTP, I wanna hear about the 2nd guy!?