This is a version of my original entry from Friday - the one I lost. For some reason, I just couldn't let the topic go, so on Friday, while I was sitting under the hair dryer at my salon, I composed this on my trusty Treo.
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Whenever I stay with Hustle, he wakes me up very early in the morning, usually before 6am. We lie in his ginormous king size bed discussing life, current events (CNN is our topic moderator), past relationships, etc. until one of us absolutely has to get up to get ready for work. For those that know me, KNOW I am not a morning person at all with my grunts replies for yes or no questions, my frowning smooshed up face, and my constant need to throw the covers over my eyes. Unfortunately, none of that flies with him. Somehow, he pulls me into some deep, meaningful, and entertaining dialogue that I cannot resist despite my usual morning grumpiness. This morning was no different. The conversation was a continuation of a conversation we had on our way to dinner the night before - failed relationships. He has a theory that both parties in a relationship shoulder the blame and are culpable in the failure of the relationship. He says no matter who did what, both people can look back at the relationship and see where they failed and what they could have done differently. His theory comes from his own failed long term relationship and he cites examples from it to prove his theory. Of course I disagree. In terms of cheating/dishonest relationships, I believe that there's a right person (me) and a wrong person (them). I asked him did he think I was culpable in the failure of my 2 most recent relationships. "No.....well, yeah". Damn. He asks me did I think it was a coincidence that both exes cheated on with/left me for women that are very similar in looks/style/personality. I never gave it much thought beyond both women and I fell into their typical profile of women, you know their "type" per se. He further probed by saying "could it be they sought these women out because there was something these women were bringing to the table that you were weren't? almost like a better version of you" Damn, can I eat my Wheaties before I tackle something so heavy this early in the damn morning?? I never thought about the why they cheated, why they lied and treated me as poorly as they did. The manchild chronicles are well documented. Still don't know why he did what he did but is it really important now??? The ex before him?My friends call him Verizon because one night he blew up my phone all night after we were over and he saw me out with the next man. Verizon cheated on me for months with a woman that was so much like me I almost thought we were related. So according to Hustle, was I also to blame for their wandering eyes (and every other part of them that wandered)? Hustle says no. According to him, I have to look at my role in the relationship before they even betrayed my trust in them. He clarified by saying that the responsibility of the success or failure of the relationship didn't solely fall on me. He says their actions and the consequences thereof are the burdens of my exes, but Hustle forced me to think about how I contributed to these failed relationships. I've never examined them that deeply. It was "ohhh he lied/cheated ! Whoa is me!" That's it. I never looked at the whys. I figured I would never get a straight truthful honest answer out of them anyway so why get hung up in the whys. But while I will never know their whys, I can examine mine. My first attempt at answering this is my pride. I pride myself on being resourceful and self-sufficient. I hate asking a man for anything whether its taking me to some fancy restaurant or taking me to COSTCO. If he does, that's cool. If not, that's cool too. Either way, I'm fine. And money??? Forget it. I never borrow money from a man or accept offers to pay bills, pay for my beauty regimen, etc. I would rather be penniless and do my own hair and nails. I know for a fact that when the relationships have met their end, one of the first things I say is "I NEVER ASKED YOU FOR SHIT!!!!!! And this is how you treat me??" Could that be my problem? Am I too self sufficient that the men in my life may feel like I don't "need" them? Someone once told me "women want to feel wanted; men need to feel needed". I never gave much thought to that but maybe I should. But how??? I hate feeling vulnerable. There. I said it. Vulnerability is a weapon of mass destruction that is hunted and when found, it's harbored to only be used against you to cripple you and render you paralyzed and incapacitated. To express that I need anything from anyone is admitting failure in myself to handle it. Could my unwillingness to need drive someone away??

As I think about Hustle's theory, I think about what I could have done differently. This may sound harsh or bitter, but, honestly, I had no business being with either one of them, especially in terms of a relationship. Verizon and I had stupid arguments almost from the beginning. It seems like it was too much effort to be together. I never saw that we would be together 5 years down the road. Shit I never saw us making a year together. The relationship was a constant roller coaster. I think I got with him because I was tired of being alone. Classic excuse but very true. I took the drama because it was something to have. The year before we met, I wasn't seeing anyone. When Verizon's deceit came to light, I was hurt but I wasn't surprised. He should have been a guy that I occasionally went out with, no more no less. And manchild??? That's been well documented here but I will say that in the beginning, he told me many, many stories about his past misgivings in relationships. What made me think that I was different???He told me in his own words how he would be in a relationship, and because I've known him since we were kids, I thought he would never treat me the same. I heard the stories but I didn't listen to what he was really saying.

So what lessons have I learned? Where did I go wrong??? So far, I've learned: Save the roller coaster rides for the amusement park. Let go sometimes at the right time with the right one. Stop looking for the good in everyone because maybe what you are meant to see is right in front of you. Its better to listen than to simply hear. I take full responsibility for the demise of these relationships in particular because I was culpable in their inception. Had they not begun, they would have never ended. I blame myself for giving myself to the wrong ones. Do I know all the answers? Of course not, but have I learned something about myself? Yes, a little bit. But that little bit gives me a lot to think about. Thanks Hustle, for the Lesson of the Day. Can I have my Wheaties now???