Sunday, January 25, 2009

Retraction of sorts......

Okay, so I've been cursed out. Well not really. But I had a stern talking to from a few over the past couple of days. So, I guess I need to post a disclaimer/retraction/whatever to clear the air.So in my last depressing post, I lamented on being alone. (Gosh, how did you read that?! It was painful to re-read). However, in my re-read, I realized that I forgot to mention one tiny detail. I didn't tell anyone about my mom's procedure. I didn’t call anyone and say “Hey, my mom’s going to the hospital tomorrow and I could really use some company.” And for that I was in Troubbbbbbbble (remember how Tootie on Facts of Life used to say it?? Yeah, like that! hahahahahaa). Actually I told 3 people.
1. My boss so I could have the day off.
2. Guy Guru. And if I remember correctly that was like total accident side-bar kind of mention on G-chat like:
Me: “I’m killing myself at work to finish this project especially since I won’t be here tomorrow.”
Guy Guru: “you playing hookie tomorrow son?”
Me: “haha. I wish. My mom is having surgery of sorts tomorrow.”
Guy Guru: word?! is everything okay??
Me: “yeah, it’s cool. So on Friday blah blah blah”
3. My BFF, Zilla. And even when I told her I had no information. It was just like “hey my mom’s has to have surgery again” as an afterthought to another conversation. And I didn’t tell her when the surgery was until the night before because honestly I forgot.

As these conversations point out, I have a hard time sharing bad news. I don’t want the pity and the conversations and all the pomp and circumstance that goes along with it. I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to process it, think about, write about it. But hardly ever do I want to talk about it. Which led to my post on Thursday. And the subsequent “cursing out” for the past couple of days.

From what I gather the sentiment is not about me choosing to be alone. It seems to be because in that documented vulnerable moment I felt alone. And according to the discussions over the past couple of days that’s the source of discontent because I didn’t have to feel that way. From actual offers to sit with me to just wanting to support through prayers and text messages, I’ve heard it all. Baskin Robbins was especially upset with me because I didn’t say anything until that evening when he asked “how was your day?” Telling him hadn’t crossed my mind. And even now I can think of a few reasons why. But at the end of the day it made me realize that I’m not big on sharing that small part of me that is completely vulnerable. I can share a story of a bad day or a funny moment. But when it comes to those moments in life when I’m scared or when my true vulnerabilities have the potential to be exposed, I shut my mouth and let my fingers do the talking. And while pouring my heart out through the pores of my fingertips feels therapeutic and pushes the envelope in the development of my writing, it doesn’t help in my personal relationships. Saving that side of me for the written world is not completely living. And damn sure isn’t sharing. So what do I do? Well, I can’t stop writing. Helllooo, I just got Carrie B. so I can’t stop now. Maybe when it comes to those vulnerabilities I’ll shut my fingers and let my mouth do the talking for a change. And share more of me to those who genuinely care.

So to all those that matter most to me, I apologize for making you an afterthought and not a forethought when I was going through yet another challenging episode in my life. While I may have been alone at the hospital on Thursday, I never once felt lonely. And I have you to thank for that. I will do better. I have to.


Organized Noise said...

There have been numerous times in my life in which I could have written this post myself. It is so easy for me to be there for other people when they are going through something but when bad things are going on in my life I tend to close up. I have a small tight group of people in my inner circle and that group becomes smaller in bad times. I need to work on that.

rashad said...

You dont owe anyone jack shit man. thats YOUR mother

Chubbs said...

i have to agree with Rashad.

P.S. I hope your mom is doing well.

Janelle said...

Organized Noise; I'm the same way and I know I need to shake it because it gives this false pretense that I don't let people in.

Rashad: well you know the real reason behind the convo but you crack me up just the same. hahahhahaha

Chubbs: Normally, I would agree with Rashad. And yes my mom is much better. Thanks for asking :)