Thursday, January 22, 2009

Malnourished

I find myself sitting here again. At damn near the same table. Last time I had a pen and a few sheets of printouts to compose my thoughts. This time I have my laptop. Alone. Just me and Carrie B. (yes I named my laptop – her full name is Carrie Bronze Obama). Whenever I find myself waiting in the hospital cafeteria I am acutely aware of my status. Actually, that awareness slaps my perceptions into reality in the family waiting area. There I see family huddled together. Laughing, joking, crying, praying. Together. And my singleness is singled out as I am relegated to the lone hard chair in the corner as opposed to the comfy warm sofas lined around the room. I see the glances with the looks, a mix of bewilderment and pity. “Wow, you’re going through this alone?! I couldn’t imagine…” “Awwww you’re going through this alone. I couldn’t imagine…..” When the bewildered pity becomes way to stifling I escape to the Garden Café in the basement (where the only garden I see are three poster size pictures of the Botanical gardens hanging by the cashiers). The “café” is a mix of hospital staff, construction workers (they are forever improving this hospital), and transient guests - those of us who are forced to be for one reason or another and hope that we don’t have to return. Here everyone is too busy to glance my way. Well except for the construction guys but I think they have carnal thoughts in mind.

While Carrie B. can distract me and captivate my fingertips, she cannot hold my hand. She can’t restore my faith that everything will be okay….again. She can’t pray with me. I know I said before that I think I’m getting tired of dating and this is one of those times where I can see the benefits of being in the circle of 2. That support, the every present “having my back”, the take charge when I can’t, allowing me to be vulnerable and weak because I know someone else has strong taken care of for both of us. Someone who will let me rant my innermost thoughts and still love me after the revelation. I can’t say that I’ve ever had that in my life but something in my soul is telling me that it’s what is missing. Maybe its too many days spent cramped in a hospital cafeteria waiting for my mother to come out of surgery. Maybe it’s the upcoming birthday. Maybe its finally believing that anything is possible thanks to my new president. Whatever it is, I have a feeling of malnourishment and I don’t know what else my soul needs. Am I starving myself by keeping relationships at bay? Am I an relationship anorexic??

If I find myself here in the Garden Café at damn near the same table, I want the option to leave Carrie B.

(Butterfly Note: My inauguration blog is forthcoming. I have been swamped at work and today my mind was elsewhere. I hope you understand. And if you don't, the little red x in the corner and you should get acquainted. Go' head and click on it. Smoochies)

5 comments:

Chubbs said...

There are times when we all need a "rock." And, in my own singlehood, I've found that those do exist--in very close, and wonderful, supportive girlfriends. Yet and still...I understand where you're at...

rashad said...

Stay strong Janelle..and way to throw in once again, that you have a new laptop!!!

Organized Noise said...

I'm going to have to agree with Chubbs. Sounds like you need a few good friends. Hope that they aren't too hard to find in your inner circle.

makeba said...

Wow...its funny how life circumstances leads us to a world of self reflection. Hold tight what is meant to come your way will come your way. Especially, now that you may be ready to receive companionship.

Janelle said...

Thanks to all of you for your kind words of support. It means a lot. And Rashad, there will be many many more posts that make mention of my brand new laptop.