An ex called me a few days ago and left a message on my voicemail. The message was short: "Hey it's me. Call me when you get a chance." I thought nothing of it and called him back a few days later. When he answered the call, the first thing he said was: "Damn you're just now calling me back?!" My response? "Yeah" He went into this whole dissertation on how I don't value his time and how rude it was of me to wait to call him back annnnd how childish I am to play games and blah blah blah. Honestly, I forgot he called. I was scrolling though my call log for a phone number and saw his missed call on my phone. This may sound harsh but as an ex he is no longer the center of my world. He conveniently exists on the outskirts. I reminded him that his message said "call me when you get a chance" not "call me back immediately". So I told him: "I called you when I had a 'chance'." As an ex he no longer has demands on my time. His time allotment in my life has significantly diminished. He's not even a recent ex. We dated 2 years ago. So I decided to write "An Open Letter to an Ex".

Dear Ex,
There seems to be some confusion on your status in my life. When we were together you could call me at anytime, day or night, and I was there for you. You could drunk dial me at 3 in the morning, and I would groggily answer the phone. Now that you are an ex, those privileges are hereby denied. Since we parted on civil terms and there is no need to change my phone number, you have the option to call occasionally. However, don't expect me to answer. I reserve the right to return your phone call when it's convenient for me - like when I'm grocery shopping or getting my nails done. I have to reserve your former privileges for the new man in my life. And no, you can't ask me who's better in bed. Either way you won't like the answer because either I am now with someone who is 100 times better than you and now your ego and manhood are deflated; or he's not as good as you but I am still giving him the business because he is giving me something that was lacking in our relationship. Until you hear otherwise (and that's IF I call to tell you), my mom is fine, my dad is fine, my grandmother is fine, the cat is fine...well the cat died but life goes on. There is no need to call me to find out how my family is doing. They are no longer calling me to ask about your well-being and before the cat died she was not waiting by the door for you anymore. If you happen to see me in the street with someone else, please don't cause a scene. You will only look like an asshole by yourself. I will not engage in any banter. The only thing you will get out of me is "Hi!" Lastly, don't ask me if I miss you. I may occasionally miss some aspect of our previous relationship, but it's not enough for me to rekindle the sparks with you. There is a reason you are an ex and no matter how much I may think I miss you, I have to remind myself of those reasons.

You are hereby officially demoted to acquaintance. All future contact (phone, text, email) will be limited to brief and sporadic encounters. At functions or gatherings, all small talk will be superficial, no deep conversations are permitted, especially about feelings.

If you believe that you have received this letter in error, get over it. This is not a mistake. These are my terms. Take it or leave it.
Sincerely,

Janelle