Sunday, February 22, 2009

Man Made

My dad called me early this morning. When I saw the missed call I knew something was up. First, there's a time difference, so early for me is waaay too early for him. And like me, my dad is sooo not a morning person. Once I got up to get my day started, I called back. His father passed away. And even though my dad cracked a joke in our conversation, his sadness was palpable through my cell phone. He had been in a nursing home for a few years so it wasn't completely unexpected. My fluctuating emotions aren't for the man my father called "Daddy". It's more so for the grief my Dad is feeling.

Due to various factors, I've never had a connection with my father's father. When my mind wanders to that place in my heart for reserved for the bond with grandfathers I think of my Poppa, my mother's father. He was the one who was everything a grandfather should be to me. With my father's father on the other hand, my interactions with him were limited at best and on the few occasions I did see him, I got a feeling he wasn't particularly interested in me anyway. So whenever my dad would call to update me on his father's surgeries, his women (and ummm his plethora of children), his move to the nursing home, and his failing health, I would courteously listen but without any emotional connection.

Now I don't know what to feel. I called my mother and told her that her baby daddy's father passed away. She was saddened (having lost her father herself) and asked me if I was okay. I kinda scrunched up my face and asked "Am I not supposed to be okay?" I get what she was saying. Technically, in terms of relatives, he's what's considered "close". However, close just isn't there for he and I. The closest emotional connection I feel is as if I were hearing of his death on the morning news. Like "ohhhh" and then continue eating bowl of oatmeal.

I'm waiting to hear back from my Dad. I have a feeling that he expects me to travel to his birthplace to bear witness to this passage. I wonder which mask will I wear. The outwardly grieving first grand-daughter? Nah, too dramatic. Even for me.

So I guess I say all of this to say Rest in Peace to the man who created my father. I wouldn't be here without you. That's all......


rashad said...

I guess all you can do is be there for your dad, and make sure he stays strong. He may not react right now, but it'll hit him later

MackDiva said...

This post is so on point. I have family members that are biologically close, but have no relevance in my life. It's hard to reconcile that thing, but it is what it is.

When my father's mother died, I went to the funeral because he asked me to. I ended up crying over the fact that she and I would never have a relationship.

This is one of the many times when it's not about you. Like Rashad said, just be there for your dad. Please keep us posted.

Miss BB is... said...

Chiiiiiiiile please, I know this feeling all too well!