Thursday, December 18, 2008

Part 2: Baring All...

Please read Part 1 here before you continue below.

To say I was floored would be an understatement. I remember sitting in the midst of all the holiday hoopla and with those two words (I'm engaged), the room around me suddenly became silent. I heard nothing, felt nothing, saw nothing. I was completely still as my brain processed the message my ears had sent. I sputtered out a "What?! Wowwwwwwww. Reallllly?!" before I regained my senses with a "Congratulations." We chatted for a while as he told me the story of "He" and "she". As "He" relayed the story of the journey to his proposal, all I kept thinking was "Thank goodness I didn't say a word about fleeting feelings. I would have made an ass of myself."

We still continued our wekly talks. He kept me abreast of the wedding plans and I kept him abreast on what was (and wasn't) going on in my life. "He" spoke of some of his fears and I told him not to worry because he would make a great husband. I asked him once if he was happy. Not on some "okay this is my moment to steal him away" shit. It was more for me. I needed to hear someone say they were happy and in love. My issues with relationships were leaning more to the "hellll no, never again. I can't trust my instincts on this shit no mo". When he said he was happy, I breathed a sigh of relief. I trust him completely, with my life, so I know if he's happy then this brand of happiness may be out there for me.

I was invited to the wedding but didn't attend. I refused to go without a date. Roomie wanted to go with me and while it would have been nice for both of us to see old friends, I couldn't do it. I thought it would be best if I went with a guy. Like I needed to show everyone I was okay. And while I had options in the men's department, I never asked them. I wasn't sure how I would feel, sitting there watching the ceremony unfold. I tend to wear my emotions painted on my face like a window display at a department store. It's okay to shed a tear or 2 at a wedding, but I kept picturing myself sitting there at the ceremony bawling (at then getting beat up by the bride's friends in the ladies' room for my emotional display...hahahahahahaha). Luckily for me, my sister got sick, so I was spared my dignity (and a beat down).

"He" called me before the Big Day. And while the details of that conversation are too sacred to share on this blog, I will say this. The title says it all.

Now I knew post-Big Day, our friendship would change. It had too. There was no way in the world I would be okay with my newbie hubby chatting up some chick on the phone weekly for hours on end. But damn, we went from feast to famine with 2 words - "I do". I've spoken to him once post nuptials. ONE TIME. And the conversation was so brief I didn't get to ask anything about the wedding, etc. In the time since we've reconnected, I've never gone this long without speaking to him. And I know how cliche this sounds, but I miss him like crazy. Please be clear, this is not about him being my illusive "One" as I pondered before. While I love and care for him deeply, he's not "the One". At least not for me. Don't believe me? Well for one, I can't imagine any type of physical contact with him beyond a hug. No kissing. No sexing. No holding hands. Nada. And for the record, he is a handsome dude. (Don't want ya'll thinking he looks like Shrek thus my reason for not wanting any physical contact....hahahahahahaha) Secondly, even if he were single I would be afraid I would fuck it up. Again. And last but not least, my woman's instinct tells me he's not it. He may be a close second, but not the "One".

I miss the comfort of our friendship. Talking to him was like crawling under your blankie on a cold winter night, extra whip cream in your hot chocolate, fresh out the oven soft chocolate chip cookies with the steam that escapes as you break it in half. I miss bouncing book ideas off of him (sidebar: I know I haven't mentioned the book lately. I put it down for a while with everything else that was going on in my life lately but I'm writing again. ). I miss picking his brain as the archetype of the male species. I miss hearing his nickname for me and the inside joke that seems to have grown since it was started when I was 18. I miss the way we used to laugh and try to outjoke each other. I miss dreaming out loud with him and encouraging each other to dream bigger, higher.

Something came across my Internets perusal the other day, and the minute I saw it, I thought "Oooooh, [He] should totally do this" and then I was reminded all over again that I no longer had that EZ Pass into his life anymore. I can't just pick up the phone and shoot the breeze (sidebar: whoever has ever tried to actually shoot breeze probably rode the short yellow bus to school. I'm just sayin'...hahahahaha). While I have his email address, I even feel sending him an email would be an invasion of epic porportions. I exist on the outskirts now, allllll the way out in the boonies sitting on distance memories, looking at faded pictures. I get that "He" had to make room for new memories and new inside jokes but it doesn't make living out here without the warmth of my blankie any easier.


rashad said...

This made me kind of sad..

Reju4nate said...

U already know lol (i'll post it here next time lol)

makeba said...

You killing me with this! Following the blog I don't want to hear anymore about him. I was looking forward to you finally coming to grips with the possiblity of love. lol

bamboo earrings said...

damn! i feel like i wanna cry at my desk. if i have the energy if u dont mind i might type out my own version of this.