Monday, September 10, 2007

Journey (jur-nee): passage or progress from one stage to another.

I'm writing this in my journal as I soar above the clouds at an I don't want to know how high altitude. I'm on my way to Florida to map out the next phase in my life. I need to step back in order to move forward. I'm in desperate need of a vacation and a ticket to the Sunshine State was a Godsend. As much as I love New York, it's energy is beginning to suffocate me. The disappointments both professionally and personally have taken a toll on me, and my spirit is yelling out for a break from it all before I completely succumb to the madness.

I can't contain my excitement over this trip. Even now, I am more excited than the pretty little girl sitting next to me. We're both bouncing in our seats and grinning from ear to ear. Honestly, I've been smiling about this trip for the past week. The closer my departure came the bigger my smile grew. Anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE LOVE LOVE hot weather. There is no better feeling that the sun kissing my skin and the warm glistening glow it creates. Clean white sand, ocean water that's actually blue is just what I need to cure me from acute city sufficationitis.

However, as much as I can't wait to dig my feet in the sand and catch some sun on the body parts not covered by my bikini, the cause of my happy seat dance is my nerves. Right now, I feel like all I am living for is that moment at baggage claim. Its not the what's at baggage claim that excites me (even though missing luggage is my biggest traveling fear. While I must admit I look cute, this is not what I want to wear for the next 5 days! hahahaha) It's who will be there. Spalding. Throughout the course of our endless phone conversations, it soon became apparent that a face to face meeting was inevitable. While I have a whole itinerary of visiting family, visiting beaches, and get acquainted with the nightlife, seeing Spalding for the first time in 10 years is at the top of my agenda. I can't believe I am going to see him. I am that kid waiting for their parents to wake up on Christmas so I can open my presents. I am the little girl sitting next to me bouncing in her seat because she is going to see her Grandma who apparently spoils her to death. I am the actress sitting her on hands waiting for the presenter to call her name as the winner of an award. I am the person sitting on the couch with my lottery ticket just one number away from more money than I could spend in 20 lifetimes. I thought that sitting here and pulling out my journal would contain this nervous energy. Nope. Still bouncing in my seat. I know this mother must think I have Adult ADHD.

I have no expectations for this visit. Wait I take that back. I want to relax, refocus and have a great time. That's my expectation. But when it comes to Spalding, I have no expectations. We are not Big and Carrie, and this is not the series finale of Sex and the City in Paris (is it??? if so where are my Manolos??? hahahaha). Plain and simple I just want to see him. OK, maybe not just see him (hahahaha). Seeing him will make all these 6 hour conversations real. Seeing him will probably raise more questions than answers but whatever comes out of this I'm ready for it. That's why I wanted him to pick me up from the airport. I know once I see him the nervous energy will fade. He will be my Ritalin for my ADHD attack. I'm happy he's able to pick me up because I think my family would want to admit me in a hospital if they saw me in this state.

45 minutes to go before I land. My stomach must be a botanical garden because the butterflies in there are having a feast. This journey on my aeronautical carriage seems so metaphorical to me right now. I took off from a place that was mentally exhausting and will soon descend for my rejuvenation to begin. I know I've written a lot lately about my own personal journey over the past couple of months. Ive left that all behind on the tarmac. manchild is no longer a factor in my life. Through a series of events, the depth of his dirt was revealed to me right up until I boarded this plane. On some level, none of it surprises me. I left all the hurt and the anger at the security checkpoint (they wouldn't allow me to stow them in my carry on in the Ziploc bag. hahahahaa). I now laugh at the foolishness and his manchild behavior that seemed to reign over my life. I am at peace with all of it: with who he is and what he will never be for me; with who I am and how far I have come. The journey through the manchild chronicles is over. Maybe my happy seat dance it caused by this. Nah. My happy bounce is for what's in front of me, not what I left behind. Who gets on a plane, excited about the place they left????

As the plane begins its final descent, I know I'm supposed to put my journal away. But I realize that the next journey of my life has already begun and I eagerly anticipate all it has to offer. Once I get to baggage claim, collect my now lighter bags, and smile into the eyes of my designated driver, I will know all of the crap that I've gone through is worth it. Just for this reunion at Baggage Claim. I already feel that kiss from the sun. Life is good. Finally.

1 comment:

rashad said...

I like this feels like im in your head and you are giving me a personalized tour of each and every thing. Sadly, it also make me frustrated that you blog so infrequently. Step it up son!