Invisble Butterfly

I like Grey's Anatomy. But damn, I hate this scene. I've always hated this scene. I feel like Meredith betrayed me. How could she stand there and plead, beg even, for this man to pick her, choose her, love her. And guess what?! He didn't (Well, at the time he didn't. Those who watch the show, even in passing, know he did pick her, choose her, love her but that came about a season later and even then they couldn't get it right for another couple of seasons). I remember watching it and thinking "Girl, where is your pride? Your self respect? Sheesh, can you please go back out and find them both?" Recently, I've seen this scene used in promos for watching old episodes in syndication. Oy vey, the humiliation goes on and on. Mildly put, this scene makes me more uncomfortable than my annual GYN checkup.

Then life stepped in. And forced me to look at it differently. Sigh. I hate to even admit that. Meredith is putting her bid in, throwing her hat in the ring. Pride and self respect be damned. All in the name of love. No one wants to be the fat kid, the last one standing because no one wants you on their team in gym class. So you have to be your own cheerleader and PR team. Market the hell out of yourself. Immortalize your shit. And then on top of it all, just state your feelings. Bare your soul. Make yourself as vulnerable as humanly, emotionally possible. All things I have fought against my whole life. But what has it got me?? Keeping my feelings pent up has gotten me absofuckinlutely nothing. And I have no one to blame but the butterfly in the mirror.

What's worse than not being chosen? Not even being considered in the first place. It's like the gym teacher telling the fat kid to sit down before the teams are chosen and to keep score instead to spare their feelings. But guess what? Their feelings aren't spared. It hurts worse. Sparing them the act of being considered, the fat kid becomes invisible. If you’re considered but subsequently rejected, you know why. It may not seem fair, but there’s a tangible reason. But when you’re not even considered as an option, you’re invisible. Nothing about you matters - you, your feelings, nothing. You're a walking virtual stranger to that person - a bum on the street, a fat kid riding the bench. You live, you breathe, you feel but none of that matters to the person that matters to you. Unless........you jump up and down and yell PICK ME. CHOOSE ME. LOVE ME. Is this really how it works?? Risk vulnerability to be considered and possibly, chosen??

Thanks Meredith for the lesson. I get it now. Still hate it, but I get it. sigh........