You Don't Have to Call.....

Thursday night, I went out after work. Usually, my schedule has me dead to the wall tired by the end of the day but I avowed I was going out before I left the house that morning. Take a break from these Mother's Day card orders I'm working on any chance I get. I also felt like I needed an emotional hiatus, leave feelings behind for a few hours and just have fun.

First, I met up with a friend at a local restaurant for happy hour. We sat down at the bar and immediately recognized the bartender as a semi-famous personality from reality TV (lonnnnng before reality TV became this fake reality many of us get sucked into week after week; she's from an era when it was "real"). Through conversation for the duration of the evening, she confirmed her identity and we immediately answered simultaneously "Oh yeah, we know!" causing all three of us to laugh out loud literally. She's cool as shit and makes a mean cocktail so naturally we stayed longer than either of us intended. Good times indeed. And like Arnold, "I'll be back!" (corny I know but its the truth damn it!! lol)

After happy hours (yes, hours), I happily tipsily dashed home, changed clothes (cue Jay), freshened my makeup, and hit the streets in less than 20 minutes (my personal best). I headed downtown to meet another friend who was already partying at a popular after work spot. By the time I arrived and walked through the heavy curtains, the ties were a little loose, the cocktails were flowing, party was in full swing.

As I searched the room for my friends, a guy approached me. The first of 3 for the night. No need for blog names for any of them because I seriously doubt I will hear from any of them. Yes, I gave each of them my contact info. They each were attractive and witty and in my book that will at least get you a coffee date. One by one throughout the night, I was approached quite differently but the message was the same: "I neeeeeed to get to know you better." While their approaches were different, one factor was the same with each and every one of them. After the formalities - "what's your name?", "where do you live?"; "are you married?" - each guy in his own vernacular uttered "Here's my number. Call me so we can get together. "

Huh? What???!!!

Soooo let me get this straight. YOU approached ME, spent all of 5 maybe 20 minutes chatting with me, and I'm supposed to chase after you by calling so YOU can take ME out on a date?????? Am I missing something here???

In my dating life, in all of the years I've been dating (if I stop to count now, I'll really be depressed so lets just say I've been dating for a while), I've NAYVER made the first call. EVER. So why on this night did 3 different dudes, who (from what I can tell) did not know each other, expect me to call them first? Is this some new phenomenon on the dating scene?? Dude number 2 actually looked stunned, like I threw the drink he just paid for in his face, when I responded, "Well here's my number. If you'd like to see me again, you'll call." The last dude was semi passive aggressive in his approach by asking for my phone and proceeding to call my his number from my phone. Then he tells me "Save my number in case you decide to call me or so you know who's calling you. " Say what now???

It's not like I haven't been dating in the past 4 years but I must admit my attention to dating has been lazy during this time. And it seems while my attention to details has gotten lazy, dudes have gotten lazy in their attention to courting as well. But now that it seems the tide has changed, do I - clutch the pearls - buck what I know in my heart is right and call these clowns or do I wait, patiently wait, for the right man to be man enough to cut the crap and dial my lovely 10 digits?

For now, I think I'll bank on patience. Sigh.....
In the meantime, I'll dance.

Invisble Butterfly

I like Grey's Anatomy. But damn, I hate this scene. I've always hated this scene. I feel like Meredith betrayed me. How could she stand there and plead, beg even, for this man to pick her, choose her, love her. And guess what?! He didn't (Well, at the time he didn't. Those who watch the show, even in passing, know he did pick her, choose her, love her but that came about a season later and even then they couldn't get it right for another couple of seasons). I remember watching it and thinking "Girl, where is your pride? Your self respect? Sheesh, can you please go back out and find them both?" Recently, I've seen this scene used in promos for watching old episodes in syndication. Oy vey, the humiliation goes on and on. Mildly put, this scene makes me more uncomfortable than my annual GYN checkup.

Then life stepped in. And forced me to look at it differently. Sigh. I hate to even admit that. Meredith is putting her bid in, throwing her hat in the ring. Pride and self respect be damned. All in the name of love. No one wants to be the fat kid, the last one standing because no one wants you on their team in gym class. So you have to be your own cheerleader and PR team. Market the hell out of yourself. Immortalize your shit. And then on top of it all, just state your feelings. Bare your soul. Make yourself as vulnerable as humanly, emotionally possible. All things I have fought against my whole life. But what has it got me?? Keeping my feelings pent up has gotten me absofuckinlutely nothing. And I have no one to blame but the butterfly in the mirror.

What's worse than not being chosen? Not even being considered in the first place. It's like the gym teacher telling the fat kid to sit down before the teams are chosen and to keep score instead to spare their feelings. But guess what? Their feelings aren't spared. It hurts worse. Sparing them the act of being considered, the fat kid becomes invisible. If you’re considered but subsequently rejected, you know why. It may not seem fair, but there’s a tangible reason. But when you’re not even considered as an option, you’re invisible. Nothing about you matters - you, your feelings, nothing. You're a walking virtual stranger to that person - a bum on the street, a fat kid riding the bench. You live, you breathe, you feel but none of that matters to the person that matters to you. Unless........you jump up and down and yell PICK ME. CHOOSE ME. LOVE ME. Is this really how it works?? Risk vulnerability to be considered and possibly, chosen??

Thanks Meredith for the lesson. I get it now. Still hate it, but I get it. sigh........

Rude Distraction

Sooooooooo remember that grumpy geezer I spoke of in my last post?? The one flashing his pearly dentures my way after I put him in his place? Well, here's a snippet of an email he sent to me today:

Keep it simple stupid

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Say what now??!!!

Okay, I guess I need to explain. During my training class one of the exercises involved sending an email to my work account. Obviously, I couldn't check it while I'm in the midst of a training class. I waited until I parked my behind and my chic but not quite practical tote bag full of training materials on the train on the way to training site number 2 before I read my emails(sidebar: that sentence has a lot of train in it....feels trainy. LOL). I decided to read everyone's emails before I responded to them. And there it was. My first job related insult on this job. On day 2, week 1.

To say I was floored is like saying the Trumpster won't ever be president of the US. No need to state the obvious. And yes, this is coming from one of "the blacks". But I digress. I re-read the email with my jaw firmly planted on the floorboard of the 4 train. As I passed Yankee Stadium, a fly ball could have landed right in my mouth. Pause. Major pause. What the deuce was I supposed to say to the grumpy geezer? Luckily, my stop was next because I wanted to tell him:

I'll keep it really simple when I knock those dentures out your mouth. Don't ever disrespect me. Oh, and polydent these nuts, beeeyotch!

Or something like that. Yeah right...hahahahahahaa. Quite frankly in my recent emotional state, I'm kinda shocked I didn't. How dare this man insult me when I'm helping his ass?? And via email?? Leave a note on my desk. Scribble it across the white board. Make it the screensaver on my computer. Spray paint it on my tote bag. But send an email from your email address that I have on record?! Smart. Reallllllllllly smart.

Once I got to my second training site, I sat down to one of the computers in my classroom. Still fuming but laughing. On my walk to the center, I started laughing. Out loud. The ridiculousity of it all was quite amusing. Here was this old ass man behaving like a wayward 5 year old. Didn't I tell you adults are children with bigger clothes and bank accounts? I'm pretty sure laughing while I walked down the street in the middle of the day may have looked odd. Wait, what am I talking about? I was in the Bronx. I blended right in.

I decided to be the grown up in the situation. And yes, I kept it simple. I forwarded the email to my boss and asked what our policy was in dealing with such offensive behavior in our training class. I can't wait to see what the outcome will be. Whether he stays or whether he gets the boot, I'm prepared either way.

You know....Maybe I should thank the grumpy geezer. After all, this has been a nice, albeit brief, distraction from other....stuff. How do you thank someone for being rude and quite frankly stupid but who made you laugh in spite of it all??

Hmmmm, I think I saw a coupon for Polydent in Sunday's paper.

Yet another new phase....

By the time most of you read this, I'll be at work. For the 2nd day this week. Yes, you read that correctly, the Resident Butterfly, yours truly, has a j-o-b. Well a piece of a j-o-b but it's mine, all mine. It's part time. Initially, I thought about turning it down but that thought lasted for all of 2.5 seconds. I'm officially a trainer for a nonprofit with 2 locations for which I provide training services for. I've wanted to be a trainer ever since I left the Bored of Miseducation but for some reason, former speech teacher wasn't resonating with those who held the keys to the jobs I wanted. I was told once that they didn't think I had enough experience with adults to be a trainer. * blank stare* Ummmmmm adults are just children with bigger clothes and bank accounts sooooo ummmm hire me!! lol And finally, just by having a random conversation with a fellow HS alumnae association exec, the door to this job opened for me. It really is about who you know and not so much what you know these days. I would have never heard of this nonprofit agency if not for this random small talk conversation which led to an email introduction with led to an informational meeting (also known as "we can't hire you but sure we'll answer your questions) which led to a "hey we have a job opening; you want it?" email a few weeks later. Which reminds me I need to send my fellow board member a thank you card (with a Starbucks gift card of course). First day at work was rough!! Can you believe I overslept? On the first freaking day?! Oh the humanity. Thankfully, this only put me 10 minutes behind schedule which got me to my first site 20 minutes before class instead of the 30 minutes like I wanted. But once I got rolling, I loved it. The people who take my classes so far are wonderful. Well with the exception of one but I put that grumpy geezer in his place QUICKLY and eventually he saw things my way. He even smiled his pearly dentures in my direction by the end of his class. Yay! I came up with a list recently right before my birthday (sheesh that was over a month ago and I still haven't written about my birthday adventure *hangs wings in shame*).It's a list of 35 things I want to accomplish in the year that I am 35. I can't believe I actually put my age out here on the blog. I still can't believe I'm 35. But hey, I'll take it because it damn sure beats the alternative. Anyway, one of the goals was figure out my career goals and pursue them (outside of launching a business which is also on the list. Hmmmmm, maybe I should post the list.) While this may only be day 2 of this new phase in my life, I can't help but feel somewhat giddy as I put a check next to its place on the list. My life may not be perfect and this journey has been filled with heartbreak and hardships but its moments like this, as I start a new phase, that somehow it makes it all worth it.

Sigh

Doubt thou the stars are fire

Doubt that the sun doth move

Doubt truth to be a liar,

But never doubt that I love

(~William Shakespeare

Hamlet, Act 2 )

People say I'm the life of the party

'Cause I tell a joke or two

Although I might be laughing loud and hearty

Deep inside I'm blue

(~Smokey Robinson, Tracks of My Tears)

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements

Even if it leads nowhere?

(~Adele, Chasing Pavements)

Exactly how I feel.

One tear suspended indefinitely. One tear filled with all the emotions in my heart.

Don't ask. I'm not telling. Just know.

End of an era. Beginning of another I guess. Sigh.....

(~Me, right here, right now)

Announcement....

I'm launching a business.

Whewwwwwwww Lawwwwd!!! I said it out loud. Publicly. There it is. No turning back now. Four words that are changing my life.

Writing will always be my first one true love. This new venture was born from that love. And just like parents who enjoy watching their baby take their first steps, I am reveling in the steps that I'm taking. I, however, don't like the paperwork. Good grief, Charlie Brown!! My business plan, incorporating my business name, trademarking said name, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.Trying to do this as legitimately as possible is not an easy feat. It's hard out here for an entrepreneuress.

So what's the business?? I can't tell you the name of the business until all my paperwork is finalized (but I know when you finally see it you will smile and say to yourself, "OF COURSE!!"). I can tell you that the biz is two-fold. One arm is a custom designed greeting cards and event stationery line (invitations, announcements, save the dates, etc). If we are friends, and I actually have your address beyond the gmail/aol/yahoo variety, you've received one of my custom designed Christmas cards. I've been sending them out to my loved ones and have gotten so much positive feedback that I decided to actually sell cards this year. I sold Valentine's Day cards as a first attempt. And let me tell you - a lot of folks are in love or, at the very least, lust. I made a nice pile of change that came in very handy in Mexico a few weeks later. I just finished my Mother's Day samples today. Maybe I will post the samples here as well. Would that be crossing my two worlds?? Hmmm, something to think about.

The second arm of my business is something people have been telling me to do for years. My mom, my friends the beautiful gems, people I meet at social gatherings, my Guy Guru and his wife have all been telling me. Even my 13 year old goddaughter told me THREE years ago "You should work for yourself and plan events." I've planned parties, dinners and social gatherings for quite some time but I've always done it out of fun and necessity. So here I am stepping out on faith and creativity. And I can't front, I'm scurrrrrrrrrrrrrred ya'll, but I'm more afraid of never taking this time to fly on the wings of my dreams.

So there you have it. Out loud. Publicly. No turning back now. Four hundred and eight words that are changing my life. Wish me luck.