Thursday, February 18, 2010

Q 4 a B-fly: Deep

Q: When was the last time you really, really cared about someone deeply? ~ Anonymous

A: Dear Anonymous, I don't know what it is about these formspring questions, but a song or a lyric from a song pops into my head each time I read one. This time it was

"have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart? / Well you should try sleepin' in my bed..."

No that's not an invitation to luxuriate in my 400 thread count. Also, that's not to say that I'm perpetually with a broken heart. But for some reason, it was that song that passed through my mind as I contemplated how I could possibly answer your question.

To be honest, I don't know when was the last time I cared for someone as deeply as your questions suggests. I'm gonna assume that you are talking about a love interest and not family member or a friend or a friend's baby that I just can't get enough of.

See, I know my capacity to care, to love is deep. I've seen glimpses of that capacity in certain relationships. And those glimpses frighten me because I know how much more I could give of myself. So I've never completely and totally just let go and allowed myself to feel for someone as deeply as I believe your question implies. Have I loved? Of course I have but I always felt like I was holding back, leaving a reserve for myself, protected from the dangers of rejection and complete heartbreak and devastation.

But. There was someone. A special someone. Someone I believed would.......... well, let's just say a friend. Who I thought that I could open up to. Completely. No reserve. So I tested the waters.
And said things I never thought I would ever have the courage to say out loud. Opened the floodgates and allowed the emotions to flow.

And nothing. Nada. Zilch. I haven't heard from him since. I must admit it hurts because I thought we were better friends than that - the kind of friends who could talk through anything. I stepped out of my shell and exposed a part of me that is not readily available to the viewing audience. And I'm proud of myself for doing so. It means that I'm getting comfortable with my feelings. It means I'm trusting faith enough to step out on its ledge. Even if it seems as though I've lost a friend in the process.

All of that to say, I don't know when was the last time I really, really cared about someone as deeply as your question implies. But I'm looking forward to when that time comes. I'll be sure to let you know when that happens.


Keep the questions flowing. I can only answer what you ask. And I'll answer every question (don't get freaky though..well not too freaky..)


rashad said...

If lent provokes this type of writing, then dammit we need to extend it. Good stuff..although I know there's pain behind these great words, you still did a good job of "Mary J Bliging" it

Redbonegirl97 said...

Hey girl, the first time I heard Alicia say that line I screamed out yes. It was my mini theme song for a hot minute, but I have moved on. :)