Please tell me you're adopted......

In this here blog world, I suck. Lately, I just haven't given much effort to writing and I feel it. Have you ever heard gym rats say ridiculous things like "Oh my God! I didn't work out today and I feel my spleen getting fat as we speak?" and you roll your eyes at them and their ridiculousity?? Well, I feel like my brain is bloated, waiting to pour words onto paper (er...these days keyboards and monitors but you get the point). But something is amiss and I can't quite put my finger on it. I hope whatever it is finds its way back to me so I can write again. I hate feeling bloated.

I spent this past weekend with my family at my grandmother's house. If any of you have been reading this blog for a while, you know that this was probably the last place I wanted to be for the weekend. But we were there to celebrate my grandmother's birthday and there was nooooo way in hell I could wiggle out of that one. Don't get me wrong I love my family but like my Facebook status said yesterday, I can only take them in small doses like potent medicine.

So lets start with the highlights if you will. I saw a cousin I haven't seen since I was a little girl. She's a twin who was born with the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck in the sixties, so as a result she has significant mental and physical delays. As a child, I loved her. I was never afraid of her or questioned why her voice was different or why she needed help doing things that I, a four year old could do. I would just grab her by her good hand and introduce her to my make-believe world (as an only child my imagination was on high orange alert). She was the only grown-up content to play with me allll day and never tire of me, my games, or my hyperactive imagination.
Years ago, after her mother passed away and her father was incapable of caring for her, she went to live at an independent living facility where people like her were not treated like hospital ridden invalids but taught to live as independently as each individual can. And, shame on me, I haven't seen her since. I would always ask her sisters about her whenever I saw them but never made the effort to see her.
When I arrived on Saturday, I went over to greet her and hug her. I asked if she remembered me. She looked at me blankly for a moment until I said "I'm Pam's daughter". She grinned and hugged me again, harder this time. This time we played her game, guessing the right $1,000,000 briefcase on a few episodes of Deal or No Deal. Neither of us guessed right on the couple of episodes we watched but we cracked up just the same. It was great seeing her and if it means dealing with the family to see her then I guess it's worth it.

Saturday was also my cousin's wife's birthday. She and I had a really deep slightly tipsy heart to heart Saturday night after leaving the club. I know many folks think my cousin married to young (he's 7 years my junior with 2 sons) but I have a new-found appreciation for this woman and what she has brought to my cousin's life.

Now for the foolishness. Damnit there was so much foolywag foolishness going on in a 2 day period I don't know if I have the time or the energy to document it all but here are some highlights:

*I bought my uncle in law a burger from Five Guys (my first time going to this burger place. I don't even like burgers all like that but this was tasty and served its purpose because after traveling all morning to get there, I was HUNGRAY). He went out back while I stayed in the house to chow down. Later I asked him how was it. He said "we enjoyed it".
"We???" I asked.
"Yeah me and [relative's death dog]. She was looking at me all pitiful so I shared it with her."
"What?! Do you know how much I paid for that damn burger??!!!. That's wasn't off the dollar menu at Mickey D's!!!! "

*Speaking of the death dog, the owner, my relative made sure this designer mutt was in every freaking family photo we took on Saturday (including the one by the birthday cake; needless to say, I didn't eat cake). Dog cradled in her arms like a newborn. Also, the death dog tried to eat my hot off the grill BBQ rib. I gave the lil bitch the finger and growled back. It seemed to work. She stayed away from me for the rest of the weekend.

*Like I mentioned before Saturday night, my cousin, his wife, and I went out for her birthday. We drove up to Atlantic City to get our party on. Hours later, tired and tipsy, I took my shoes off and walked up my grandmother's drive way just as the sky began changing to a lighter hue of blue. We tiptoe into the house as to not disturb those camped out on the air mattresses. My cousin and his wife were in one guest room, while I shared the guest room with the twin beds with my mother (I call it the "dorm room"....hahahaha). Before leaving the house, I had carefully laid my night clothes out on the bed with my glasses and contact solution on the night stand. That twin bed was calling me as I crossed the living room. I nudged open the door to the sound of my mother sleeping. I look over to my bed and there is somebody in my bed. WTF???? THIS AINT GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE FUCKING BEARS. This ain't even a Dru Hill song. I realize the bed trespasser is my aunt - my mother's younger sister, who I have a very strained relationship with to begin with. Okay, maybe I shouldn't have taken that last shot because I'm hallucinating, right??? I look over my shoulder to see my aunt's husband fast asleep on the air mattress that he and his wife occupied when I left earlier that night. I don't know why, I don't care to know why, but this heffa is not only in my bed but tossed my pj's on the floor. FUCCCCCKKKKKKK!!! "Where am I supposed to sleep???" I wonder as I pull off my dress and slip into my tossed pajamas. I return to the living room to find a teeny tiny love seat unoccupied. I snatch the blanket off the bed I was supposed to be sleeping on, turn up the AC in the house just a little (don't want my god-sons getting sick), and mimic the best fetal position I know how. To sleep for all of 3 hours. Why 3 hours?? Well because I was in the living room silly, and people were ready to start living in that piece at 8 in the morning. My grandmother admonished me for sleeping on the love seat, and I replied quite loudly so the offending family member could hear "IF SOMEONE WASN'T SO SELFISH AS TO TAKE MY BED WHEN THEY ALREADY HAD A BED THEN MAYBE I WOULDN'T HAVE TO SLEEP ON YOUR LOVE SEAT" to which my grandmother replied, "yeah I know". That's it???!!! This is the same lady who made me sit at the kitchen table until dinnertime because I refused to eat nasty ass Cheerios for breakfast. I want justice!!!!

*Death dog's owner kind of offered me a ride home with the understanding I would have to ride in the back seat because the dog sits up front. I opted for the train. Riding back to New York with strangers had to be more sane that this back of trixx are for kids I'm related to.


I had to ask my mother if she really is related to these people. When she laughed and said yes, I had to quote Jay-z and respond "I don't believe you. You need more people."

Thankfully (thankfully) I won't have to spend extended time with these folks until the holidays. I'm starting my holiday husband search early this year. Like yesterday.