Friday, September 02, 2011


I have a blog written about how Irene (the recent hurricane)is a hater and how she completely destroyed my weekend plans but eh, I'm over it....kinda. Not really. I really wanted to curse her out but are we tired of talking about Irene and the mess she left behind - including my weekend plans?!

Late last night, a male acquaintance of mine asked me about a female friend of mine in the vein of "What's up with _______? Hook a brotha up!!!" After a slight pause, I had to say, "Nahhhhhh, I couldn't do that do you." and very vaguely told him why I wouldn't hook them up without giving him the specifics.

For the record, I'm not interested in dude. I actually know him through a long gone ex and he's always been cool with me. So don't think I want to stockpile him all to myself like those people on those hoarders shows. Also, I'm not a hater. As I told another girlfriend of mine, if he would have asked about any of my other single friends, I might have have told him to go for it. Personally, I hate hooking people up. As someone who has been hooked up, that shit doesn't work. It's always awkward and at some point, you wonder "what the hell was my friend thinking?" Then, inevitably the "Why didn't you tell me about ____________ (insert catastrophic baggage here)?!" Who needs the drama, the accusations, the awkwardness? Not me. Most times, I will tell someone "Hey, if you happen to meet them, then fine. But I'm not hooking anyone up." I don't like playing cupid because frankly Cupid's outfit ain't cute.

So why did I give the red light instead of the green light? Well here's the 1, 2, 3. First of all, I know he's not her type. She likes flash, glitz glamour and he likes a t-shirt and a fitted. She likes bottles popped; he likes beer bottles. She's a Louboutin. He's a Timberland. Don't think Beyonce and Jay-Z. Think video vixen du jour meets the mailman in his uniform. The only time their worlds mesh is when he is bringing her something she wants. Secondly, let's can I put this in the most diplomatic way possible???? Ummmmm.......damn Madeline Albright, I am not....sooooo let's just say she wants to lead the Glamorous Life (cue Sheila E.) and in the few conversations I've had with him, that's just not him at all. I may not be Miss Cleo or one Dionne Warwick's friends, but I could see this going horribly wrong and lil ole me would get the blame. Which leads me to my last point, I'd never hear the end of it. Years ago, it was my BFF, Tootiezilla's idea for me to give my ex my phone number. I listened to her and we all know what happened. Even all these years later, I remind her that all of his foolishness is her fault from time to time. Like now. LOL I wanna keep my very close to impeccable hookup record spotless. And this duo would have been a big ink stain on my angelic white dress. Not a good look.

After my vague veto explanation, he thanked me for my (vague) honesty and said he would admire her "fine ass" from afar. Whew! I'm off the hook. On the surface, it may look like I threw a friend under the bus but in actuality, I believe I pushed two people out of the way of a mack truck.

But, it has me wondering:

How many times as someone asked a friend about me in the "Hook a brotha up!" vein and they've responded, "Janelle? Nahhhh, I couldn't do that to you." ??? LOL


rashad said...

There was one time when someone asked for a hook up and I SHOULD have said, nah you don't want it with her..but I didn't, and that is why you can't stand Cliff...

Janelle said...

That's only ONE reason why I can't stand Cliff...I could do an entire blog post on the reasons why I can't stand Cliff...hahahahahhaa