Friday, June 03, 2011

A Dime a Dozen

On Monday, I skimmed through the "news"feed on the book of face when a post caught my eye. A woman I went to college with wrote a note entitled "Is Being Pretty a Blessing and a Curse?"

For some background story, yes, she is a pretty woman (not in the Julia Roberts hooker-Cinderella kind of way). I know her from college and if I remember correctly she was our school's beauty queen representative during one of our years as students there. I didn't really know her, "know" her then but thanks to the book of face I know more about her now than I did then. She's a divorced mother of 2. But to give credit where credit is due, she is still pretty and appears to be in great shape.

In her note, she pondered whether pretty girls have a tougher time in relationships than say average ones. According to her , men, good men, perceived "dimes" as narcissistic, selfish and drama-driven and instead choose average less attractive women to settle down with to avoid these behaviors. (Sidebar: are we still using "dime" and its relative, "dimepiece" to describe the attractive qualities of women?) She notes that because these good men choose the Plain Jane, no where near a dime, can't hold a candle to me, blah-worthy women, all that is left for the "dimes" are selfish men with few morals and values. Well damn. (insert Love Jones voice here)

She further went on to use celebrity "dimes" who've publicly had failed relationships or less than stellar dating lives or more audaciously, have settled with non-dimes as proof positive that her theory is true. (Sidebar: After this post, I hope I NAYVER use this damn word again unless I'm speaking of US currency but I digress). She turned her lense to her and her friends who are all single, "pretty dimes", and can't find dime-worthy men as anecdotal proof of her blessing and curse theory.

As you can imagine this post sparked a wave of comment and debate over the validity of her claims (which as of this morning it appears that she has since deleted all comments and also edited her original post as there is a memorable anecdote from the first read that is no longer there). I quickly skimmed the comments and shut down the book of face so I can get on with the rest of my day. But her note has been on my mind ever since.

I don't want to discredit how she feels because we are all entitled to how we feel. However, this line of thinking comes across as shallow and narcissistic (something she admits she's been called since college). While her focus on appearance is crystal clear, her thinking is a little muddled. She mentioned that her ex, "a dime", wasn't faithful because he's a dime and eventually couldn't resist the temptation. Huh??? Look, I've been cheated on by men that no one would call "a dime". (Real talk: I would never call a man a "dime". Fine? Yes. Sexy? Yes! But dime? Hell no! But again, I digress.) I say that to say that regardless of outward appearance, if a person wants to cheat, guess what's gonna happen? Somebody's rockin', knockin' the boots. (oh she can use dime but I can't quote a line from a song from the nineties??) I'll concede that maybe the attention he received from these other women may have fed his ego a little too much and gave him a false sense of booty entitlement. Or maybe, he was no longer interested in being married and wanted to live the days of his bachelor years. I have no idea. But to equate his infidelity to his "dime" status is her "dime" ego speaking. As in, "as fine as I am, there is no other reason why this man would cheat on me".

I hate to be the one with the pin to this bubble but, POP, this shit just doesn't fly. First of all, life happens. Weight happens. Disfigurement happens. Shit happens. Looks come and go. They fade to black like the end of a movie for numerous reasons. What may start of as a dime, may not always be that way. And if you fall for this person based solely on their dime status and heaven forbid something happens, you may find yourself looking at the front door. Chicka boom boom boom.

Secondly, what the hell is wrong with being "average" in the looks department?? Beauty is a genetic lottery, luck of the draw. While we have control over how we maintain ourselves, unless you're signing up for the deluxe total revamp, look nothing like you're driver's license plastic surgery package, you can't control what you were born with. Just because someone is born with the genetic jackpot in the looks department does not entitle them to someone who equally hit said jackpot. Why is an average looking person completely out of the question? Because you're too pretty for them? Because they are beneath your rigid standard of beauty? I'm talking average run of the mill attractive not someone who was less fortunate in the beauty crapshoot like say, Flavor Flav. But truth be told, that man has a whole tribe of kids so someone was loving his ass. Repeatedly. Yeah Boy!!

I can't help but wonder how many average good hearted, kind, God-fearing guys my schoolmate has overlooked because they didn't pass the initial Prince Charming stud evaluation. I also wonder why are a person's looks sooo important to her that her ideal sole mate MUST be a so-called dime to the point where average doesn't even get a second glance. Does she realize how unattractive that may make her to one of these dimes she's seeking?

I'm not saying that someone should lower their standards. Maybe a reevaluation of what truly is important to them. Step down off that high horse. Dismount off that pedestal. Land on terra firma where the air is clear and expectations are realistic. A place where nothing about your outside appearance ever feels like a curse.


rashad said...

1) Who told that b**ch she was pretty? (sorry for the misogyny..but not really)

2) There are pretty, ugly and in between mofos who are single and lonely because of previous relationship difficulty. no one group has a monopoly on the blessings or the curses

3)Her slang usage (this is based on the few words you mentioned) render her post null and void

4)couldn't you link or cut and paste what she said, so I can dice it up some more?

sophie said...

(I have been reading a while, but never commented before.) I did not research this to be sure I am remembering correctly, but I think some of her reasoning is false. I believe that studies have shown that women are more likely to marry men who are *less attractive* than are men. So, men choosing *non-dimes* is not likely the problem.

Even if that is completely untrue, I am in agreement with you. In my 20's and 30's I would say that I was considered above average attractive. I never had a problem getting dates. I am now *ahem* heavier and wiser--but as you said, that is how it works. I do not think that I ever in my dating life considered looks in my top 5 qualities. Sure, there has to be attraction and chemistry, but the outer package did not and does not matter. Integrity, honesty, sense of humor, kindness, generosity, self-confidence, common sense, common interests...the lists goes on. So yes, perhaps your friend would be well-served by examining the reasons that she feels she *deserves* someone as beautiful as she is.

Janelle said...

Rashad: 1)hahahahahaa
3)She gets a Hampton pass. I had to at least read her thoughts. hahahaa
4) Isn't this post long enough? If I would have quoted her verbatim, this would have been a 10 page research paper. hahahaha.

Sophie; First, welcome (officially) and thank you for commenting. Now down to business. Yes, I believe I read about that study where men are less likely to pick "non-dimes" (ugh! using this word/phrase is like shock therapy). I think what struck me most was the audacity of her superficial entitlement. But there will always be someone younger, prettier, smarter, etc. I guess she hasn't had a slice of that humble pie yet.

sophie said...

The audacity is sad, and her entitlement is sad. You put yourself out into the universe (good, bad, and god-forbid, ugly). What returns is related to that. We tend to have what we deserve (IMHO), maybe not all in the timing we wish for, but in general. It is sad that she is superficial enough that appearance is so important to her, and it is sad that she seems to think *less pretty* women are honing in on her market. There is external beauty-which can change quickly, and there is internal beauty. Perhaps she needs to work on her internal beauty and then she might be able to notice it in someone else.