Hypocrisy

Everything in front of me, everything that has consumed me lately is nothing I can write about. None of it. As a writer & someone failing miserably at my self imposed challenge, this sucks major donkey balls. But I can't. It's as simple as that. Not that I don't have the ability to do so. I know the words and the rhythm of their flow. I just can't play them for an audience - way too......much.

I realize the hypocrisy of this. This is my refuge but it's not safe to write my innermost thoughts. I've created this blog to allow those of you who care enough an opportunity to peak into my world, I followed the creed "write what you know" - my life - but shut the curtains to the peep show. Hello, my name is The Resident Butterfly and I am a hypocrite. For now, its a moniker I accept. Hopefully temporarily.

All this time I've turned inward to write, let my heart doing the writing. Damn near everything I've ever written started as an idea in my heart while the mind served as spell check. However, that's not an option at the moment. The heart will tell what the mind won't. The result of this battle between heart and mind has led to utter un-inspiration. It's as if I've placed sanctions on my words to keep from spilling my heart onto paper.

So what am I to do now? Where do I go for inspiration?? Like someone who loses their sight, I have to retrain my survival skills, regroup and rely on something else for the time being. But in the end, is this true to me?? Time will tell.



-- Sent from my Palm Prē

Q 4 a Bl-Fly: New York State of Mind

Q: Would you recommend NYC as a good place to live? I've been idly toying with the idea of picking up my roots and planting them in the big apple. I probably won't(the cold weather es no bueno)but still I want your opinion. ~ Lexycon

A: Dear Lexycon,

As I contemplate picking up my roots and planting them a little farther down 95 South, this couldn’t come at a better time.

Simply put, I LOVE NEW YORK. Yeah that sounds like some cheesy tourism slogan but seriously, I love my city and I love the fact that I was born and raised right here. I think that’s why I came back after college and why it has taken me so long to give serious thought to moving out. Many people who aren’t from here can’t imagine growing up on a concrete playground. I can’t imagine life without it.

I could go on and on and on and….( and that's my BIG Tribute (RIP)…can you guess what song I stole that from?). Instead I’ll give you a pros and cons list of New York.

Cons (yes I’m starting with the Cons. Lets just get all the unpleasantries out the way, shall we???)

1. Crowded. If you’re obsessed with the parameters of personal space, then this city is not for you. With 8 million people who live here, coupled with the millions of tourist who visit DAILY, personal space goes out the window, especially on public transportation when strangers get closer to the cookies than dudes on a first (or second) date.

2. This dump costs how much? The cost of living is high here, especially when it comes to your humble abode (and many apartments in NY are humbling to say the least). I have friends elsewhere who pay less in mortgage for a modest 3 bedroom house than what some New Yorkers pay for rent on a box they call 'home'. Mortgage/maintenance/rent will eat a lot of your budget. Anything with convenience or amenities will have you paying out the arse. Unless you got a hook-up. Then all is irrelevant. But you may have to pack and move in the middle of the night. LOL

3. Nature. If nature is your thing, then this may not be your place. In some neighborhoods, you may have to take the subway to see grass. (I really don’t see this as a con since I’m allergic to grass but some will see it as such).

4. Winter. As you mentioned, cold weather is no bueno here. There are days when that winter wind whips you like you stole something from their momma. This social butterfly is not all that social when I have to bundle up in 10 layers and then have to take off most (not all) of these layers when I arrive somewhere to then turn around to put all 10 layers back on to go back out into the bitter cold. Sure I’m exaggerating as people from sub-Arctic climates like to point out whenever they hear New Yorkers complain about the cold temps (which I loathe by the way. I choose not to live in your sub-Arctic world so let me complain about freezing my ass off because this is about as cold as I care to know, okay. wooosah). However, a pro to this con? I haven't shoveled snow in YEARS!!!!! That's what groundspeople, maintenance workers, and sanitation are for. I must admit though I live on a major street in Manhattan. Its not the same on side streets in outer boroughs.

Pros.

1. Calendar Overload. There is ALWAYS something to do in this here city. ALWAYS. So much so, that there are stretches of time where I just find myself going and going and going and going. Between new restaurants and gallery openings and museums and Broadway and off Broadway and way off Broadway and TV show tapings and clubs and lounges and bars and events and fundraisers and meetups and organization obligations and brunches and lunches and happy hours and dinners you will always have something to do. And often times many of these things are free (did I mention I saw Corrinne Bailey Rae in Concert back in December, heard her entire new album, and some crowd favorites from her last CD? All for F-R-E-E). And if not free, then low-cost.

2. Shopping Mecca. Yeah, I said it. And I mean it. New York is the Holy Grail of shopping. Whatever your style, whatever your price point, you will find it here. Of course now a days, you get anything on the Internets but it doesn't beat strolling into a store with no expectations and strolling out with a bag full of wardrobe goodies. What I love best is that not everything is a chain store. Sure I spend a shitload of money in Banana Republic, Ann Taylor, Marshalls, etc. but occasionally I score key pieces in my wardrobe from some lil shop in Soho or a street vendor on the Upper West Side (I actually tried on and purchased a dress in the street. Gotta love this place. hahahahaaaa)

3. 24/7 convenience. While the saying the "city that never sleeps" is not quite true, New York is definitely a night owl/early bird hybrid - sleep is involved somehow, maybe in shifts. This weekend while I was in DC (later blog), I wanted a cup of Starbucks Saturday night. Every Starbucks was closed, like lights out, n*gga (what song is that from..hahahaha). It was only 9:30!!! Seriously, Starbucks here closes at 11 and there are a few that close at midnight. Why was everything closed at 9:30??!! Like could I really live in a place where I can't get a cup of Starbucks at 9:30 at night. And don't judge me (or ask me why) I needed a cup of Starcrack at 9:30. Just know that I'm used to the convenience of my life here. If I want a sammich at 2 in the morning and I have no bread or meat in my apartment, I know I can walk to the corner store and ask the man to make me one through the class partition. Or I can get to a great 24 hour diner in less that 20 minutes. Our public transportation system (while sometimes a piece of shit) runs 24 hours a day, 7 days a week (the weekends are hell, hence my previous assessment. you'll get to where you have to go but on the weekends, its always a process). Then there is also our lovely system of yellow taxis. Trust you will master the art of hailing a taxi in a matter of days. It comes in handy when you are PLASTERED at 4 am when you're leaving a party and you need to get home (look ma, no drunk driving!! hahahhaa)

4.United Colors of Benetton. Remember those old school ads from Benetton? The ones with the darkest black person on the planet juxtaposed against the lightest white person on the planet and both embraced by an asian or pacific islander?? Well, I don't know for sure but someone had to have gotten the idea for that campaign while walking the streets of New York City. Every corner of the world is represented here, whether its through a restaurant or just walking down the street. New York has to be the only city in the world where a billionaire will sit down next to someone on welfare on public transportation. Yes many of our neighborhoods are segregated but I think of it as authentic cultural enclaves throughout the city. Chinatown just wouldn't be the same if an influx of Mexicans took over. (and I don't mean this in a racist way. I'm just trying to make a point. I don't want to end up on slyfoxnews defending my words. hahahahaha)

5.Summer Summer Summertime. Yeah I know a man from Philly penned this song but damn if New York is not theeee place to be in the summer - the rooftop parties with views of of any iconic facet of the New York Skyline, the streets are happier and so are the people when the weather is nice. There is a barbecue in Brooklyn every summer that makes me fall in love with black people all over again. A sea of beautiful, educated, non confrontational, unghetto (yes I made that up)multi hued, stylishly dressed black folk gathered in the name of sun and eye candy. I don't care where I live in the future, I must be back here for this barbecue (and a few other summer rituals). Oh and the street fairs!!! Seriously there is a street fair EVERY WEEKEND in this city. Of course some are better than other but with delish foods, delectable treats and bargains all under concrete street anchored tents with sunny blue skies overhead - what more can you ask for??

6. Tough Skin. Sure there are a plethora of songs devoted to this city but Old Blue Eyes said it Best: "If I can make it there/I'll make it anywhere". This city has a nurturing toughness about it. Its not easy to live here but after living here, I guarantee you can live almost anywhere else in the world (war zones and third world countries excluded) and feel like you're gonna make it after all (cue Mary Tyler Moore and throw hat in the air). Instead of filming all of those Survivor episodes in remote deserted locations, there needs to be a Survivor: New York Edition. I can respect the winner of that one. New York gives you that liquid courage that most people only find in a liquor store. There is this air of invincibility like there really is nothing you can't do, these streets do inspire you (cue A. Keys and Jay Z; grab your Yankee fitted) and you can in fact leave here knowing that you will indeed make it anywhere.

I could go on and on and on but I think you get the point. I hope I've given you some food for thought. Writing this has definitely given me something to think about.

Any New Yorker feel free to add your pros and cons in the comment section. Lex, if you move here you will find New Yorkers are indeed quite helpful (contrary to Hollywood belief) - another pro. ;)

Smoochies,



I know I've been slacking on these Q 4 a B-fly questions like George Bush at Yale, but please keep them coming. I truly enjoy answering them. To make up for my slackitude(yes I made it up), I'm going to answer another question tomorrow. Ask away at formspring.me/ButterflyRefuge or click in that little white box to your right. xoxo

He called....

I spoke to "He". It had been awhile since I've spoken with him. I don't think I blogged about it the last time we spoke last fall. Recently, out of the blue, he reached out & I answered. With glee. Like kid in a candy store euphoria.

Seriously, I don't know what's worse - not speaking to him at all or speaking to him so infrequently that I dread hanging up because only the Lord knows if and when we'll speak again.

In all fairness, I never reach out. Except for one day a year - his birthday. But I always choose the quasi-passive aggressive but least intrusive approach - happy birthday via text. My rationale is that I don't want to intrude on his new life with his new wife. Its a club I don't belong to so I feel like quite alien-like if I try to reach out.

However when we actually do speak, on the surface our conversations are just as easy breezy as they were before "the revelation". We trade stories of the ridiculosity we happen to witness in our everyday. We update each other on the family. We laugh until my belly aches. All the trappings of what friends do. But there's a big pachyderm in the room that we'll never ever acknowledge. EVER. So we go through the motions sidestepping Dumbo but, at least for me, the motions feel slightly disjointed. Have you ever watched Dancing With the Stars and you think a performance was incredible but the judge says something like "your left big toe was half a degree off center while your arm wasn't fully committed to the turn" and they give the person a 7 when, to your untrained eye, it deserved a 9?? Well that's what this feels like to me. No one would suspect that something is off but I know the ignorant bliss of our friendship before and that makes the friendship we now have that much more off balance.

I begrudgingly hung up. While our conversation had been going on for about an hour, it felt like 5 minutes and was over way to soon for me. Yes, I'm being all kinds of selfish and wrong but just maybe I still regret not saying how I felt sooner and maybe I regret letting my fears get best of me and maybe I just want what I can't have and just maybe I wonder what if from time to time. Or maybe I just really miss my friend.

-- Sent from my Palm Prē

Birthday of a Butterfly

If I could choose just one word to describe my birthday it would be ENERGIZER - yes as in the pink bunny with the drum set strapped to its back!!!! From the stroke of midnight on March 3 until this moment, I've been going and going and going and.....well you get the point.
I'd probably have another novel on my hands if I tried to recap EVERYTHING - drama and all. However, there are definitely somethings worth posting on this blog (and I won't incriminate myself in the process....hahahahahha)

Stroke of midnight
Since my birthday fell on a Wednesday I made no plans. I already had a jam packed weekend planned and I didn't want to tack on another event for my friends to feel obligated to attend. However, sometime after midnight I found myself at a ghey karaoke bar belting out Single Ladies in my best tipsy Beyonce impersonation with my friends cheering me on in the audience. Yeah scratch the needle across the record. You read correctly: ghey karaoke bar. Lemme explain. Tuesday night, I went to a farewell dinner for someone I know through a committee I work with. While there, my friends sent a text for me to join them at a restaurant/bar uptown. I hopped in a cab after the lonnnnng dinner (and upteen glasses of wine). Once at the new location, one of the guys with us is ghey and recommended the karaoke spot so we shuffled into another cab to check it out. And we had a blast. The drag queen host with the subtle stubble sang to me. And for my encore I sang "You Aint Gotta Call" by Ursher complete with ad libs & monologues. I sang that one from the heart (there are a few people who I could dedicate that one to...hahahaa). Thankfully none of my friends had video cameras because I might be a YouTube sensation by now.

Partay with a Purpose
With the exception of last year, I always ALWAYS have a birthday party. I love getting my friends together for drinks and dancing and more drinks and more dancing sprinkled with a little debauchery for good measure. Lord willing, I hope when I am 95 at Shady Pines, I will still be on the dance floor shaking what my momma gave me. This year, while I still wanted to get my party on, I wanted to do something a little more.

A very close friend of mine has a nephew who has an inoperable brain tumor. Thankfully, he is responding well to treatment but I remember when she called to tell me the news. I felt like a vacuum had sucked all the air out of me. So I could only imagine how she and her family felt. He's only 11 and shit like that is not supposed to happen to an 11 year old. For a while I kept thinking, I wish there was something I could do. I'm not a surgeon so I couldn't help that way. One evening at home, while sipping on one of my latest favorite glasses of wine, it came to me. What if I could raise money to send my friend's nephew and his mom/her sister on the family vacation this year? I figured I could at least try to raise money to give them something fun to do this year. So instead of having a birthday party and then turning around to throw a fundraiser, I decided to combine the two. With the help of friends and the most gracious party promoters (who I also call friends) by the end of the night I raised over $300 with money still coming in my birthday cards (still have a ways to go but that's a great start - I had no expectations). Also with the help of said friends and party promoters, I was beyond tipsy by the end of the night. Allegedly, the things I said were LEGENDARY. And no, I will not incriminate myself by repeating alleged quotes on this here blog.

Bottomless Brunch.
This too has become a birthday ritual for me. With my favorite brunch spot being closed for damn near a year now (how could you do this to me?) I needed to find a location to accomodate about 20 friends AND provide unlimited brunch elixirs. Thank the Lord for Google because I found this location and made arrangements to scout the location in a day. As you can tell from the website, I was quite impressed with what I saw.

For some reason I got the bright idea to have BOTH birthday events back to back - party Saturday, brunch Sunday afternoon. What the hell was I thinking??!!! Thankfully, my friends love me and the weather was gorgeous because we all made it there at a reasonable time. My Guy Guru, Rashad and his lady came all the way from DC just to attend my birthday brunch (okay that's a lie - they really came up for a jazz concert the night before but it sounds so much better when I say they came up here for me, don't you think??). And I must give a special shout out to Rashad. He was only one of 3 guys in attendance and he endured about 30 minutes of CC, DD, and PP (cock convo, dick dialogue, and penis prose - hows that for alliteration....hahahahahahaa). And that's when I asked the manager to turn on the Lakers game in our private alcove - he and the other guys more than deserved it. I was surrounded by old friends, new friends, friends I saw a few hours earlier, friends I haven't seen in almost a year. Friends from many different points in my life. And I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

When I blew out the candle on my red velvet cupcake, I made a wish that the love and joy I feel on my birthday never fades and that it carries me through whatever life brings my way. There is nothing like the warmth you feel from the love of your friends. And I get to feel it for at least the next month as the birthday celebrations continue with a couple of dinners and a concert. I'm going to need to recharge this Energizer bunny when its all said and done.


PS There will be another birthday post, documenting the fashion of the weekend - talk about drama. Guys, you've been warned. LOL

-- Sent from my Palm Prē

On a Sunny Day

I missed the bus. The bus was already at the next stop when I turned the corner. Do I walk to the train station? I thought. My feet balanced on 4 inch heels vetoed that idea. Damn should I take a cab then? My wallet shot that idea down as well. Well I guess I'll be waiting for the next bus. Thankfully it was a gorgeous sunny spring day - the kind of day that makes you pull up your boss' email address to inform him that you are *cough cough* sick but then you realize this is the first of many beautiful sunny days so you carry your ass to work.

There was a woman sitting at the bus stop. She was an older woman with a few bags at her feet. She moved one bag off of an empty seat when she saw me approach.

"Thank you" I said as I eased down onto the chilled metal seat. We both watched a young man cross the street with the top of his pants barely covering his kneecaps. I shook my head in a state of I'm tired of seeing these fools' drawers. She chuckled at my reaction thus beginning spirited and enlightening discussion on the state of our youth. Her insights were so full of wisdom and socioeconomic theories I felt like I was chatting with one of my former Hampton professors.

I turned to look down the street & my extra long chariot was about a block away. As people gathered closer to the bus stop sign to line up to board the bus, I stood up & offered to help her get on the bus with her bags.

"Oh no honey! I'm just sitting here at the bus stop until the shelter lets me back in this evening. Maybe I'll go to the park in a little while. Have a blessed day" she said with one of the most beautiful genuine smiles I'd ever seen. She returned to repacking her bags & that's when I saw the myriad of bags she had stuffed all around her.

All I could say back was "oh". What else could I say? Wallet was empty so I had no money to offer nor could I wave an Oprah wand to place this lady in permanent housing so she wouldn't have to sit at a bus stop to pass the time away.

I dipped my metrocard & actually got a seat on the bus. I watched this woman repack her bags & wondered how the hell did she get here.

She must have sensed me staring because she looked up smiled & waved as if she were sending her child off to school. I laughed at the thought & waved back. And smiled.

-- Sent from my Palm Prē

Stumble

I started this 40 Writing Challenge with good intentions. But as the saying goes, "The road to hell is paved in good intentions." Not to say that the actual writing has been hell - for me that's the easy part, the joy. Once I have a topic in mind, I sit down and let the words flow. When I started the challenge, even I did a writing calendar - a daily list of all the things I wanted to write about. However, hell for me is Time Management.

I can't seem to get it together. I could blame it on planning my mom's birthday (this past Saturday which because of the snow storm I had to revamp all plans at the last minute, leaving me with a refrigerator full of red velvet cupcakes) and planning my National Holiday festivities (birthday was yesterday; festivities this weekend). But as I've recently told a guy (Starbucks aka Mr. Mink), "you make time for what's important". And I have yet to prioritize my love of writing which is just re-damn-diculous. How can I expect to grow as a writer if I don't work on it?? Athletes practice. Actors act. Writers write. And I'm not writing as frequently as I should. I suck.

I've tried writing in the morning but seriously my brain is not fired up that early in the morning. I barely grunt out verbal greetings in the morning so I know damn well I can't string words together into cohesive streams of thought. Late morning - midday is when the urge to purge words usually hits but I'm at work (yes still at the plantation - dysfunction at its finest to say the least). But here's the problem. Most days they actually expect me to do their work and not my own. Go figure.

Ray Charles may have belted out "You know the night time/is the right time/to be with the one you love" but my social calendar does not permit me to engage and be one with my writing. Too many distractions. Committee meetings, dinners with friends, the occasional date, running errands (groceries, laundry, cooking, cleaning), catching up on all the shows I've DVR'd. By the end of the evening, I'm falling asleep with my laptop in my lap. Where did the time go???

So what do I do now?? Today is day 16 of Lent and I've written 8 entries (including this post). Do I give up now? Do I start over? Or do I just pick up from here and keep it moving until the end of the journey? I think you know by now the answer. It may not always be brilliant but I'm gonna try my hardest to complete this challenge with more than a 50% success rate. While the school systems these days may say 65% is passing, I don't even want that shit. (Sidebar: how the hell is one standard deviation above the median considered passing?? 65% on anything is nothing to be proud of. Thanks for lowering the standards so low that there is no pride in the quality of education anymore. *stepping down from soapbox.* Carry on)

I've stumbled but I'm working on picking myself back up. So please bear with me through this challenging journey. I should have known this wouldn't be easy.