Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Turn to the Heart

Last week, a dear friend sent me an email asking for advice. As I sat on the train composing my ever so long response, I said to myself "Oh this feels like a blog". I wasn't talking about what I wrote to her, it was the writing process itself. It felt....good. If I knew how to ride a bike, I'd imagine that's what getting back on a bike must feel like. (Yes, I don't know how to ride a bike. I know. I've heard it all. Its crazy and no, I'm not all that inclined to learn at this stage in my life either...well, maybe a little inclined.)

When I wrote my last post, it was ever intended to be a hiatus post. Life just happened to point me in a hiatus direction. Truth be told (where else am I going to tell it), l was depressed. Not suicidal depressed. Not looking all melancholy and heavily medicated like those damn Cymbalta commercials. Just feeling off kilter. The unemployment, the ups and downs of caring for my mom (she's good by the way, but diabetes and kidney disease is a scary roller coaster ride), feelings of unfullfillment, non-supportive family shit. They all began to catch up to me like a car chase on a highway. I couldn't avoid it. All I could do was brace for it. Unfortunately, writing became a casualty. And I began to think and feel that nothing I had to say was worthy or important. Writing was in traction.

I wasn't feeling it. Not that I haven't had a lot going on in my life. Trust, I've been out living life. I rode the subway sans pants with an improv group. I saw Prince in concert for . I told dude from the last post to kick rocks. I went to Mexico for a much needed vacay for my birthday. Just to name a few (and possible blog posts). But the introspection it takes to write from my heart led me down dark paths I just wasn't prepared to venture on. So I shut down that part of me. Temporarily. At first, I felt guilty. I was letting down my legions of fans ( Kanye numbers with a Charlie Sheen ego). Blogging is a commitment. And I'm failing miserably at commitment these days. Oy vey the guilt! Then, rationalization set in. I began to rationalize my blog absence and fill possible writing time with anything but writing - watching TV, talking on phone, going out, watching tv, watching TV, watching TV, oh and reading too. Lots and lots of reading (I'm not even trying to be funny...I'm serious about the reading and the TV watching....reality TV is the devil! LOL).

A couple of weeks ago, I started feeling nostalgic. I miss writing. I miss the intimacy of being vulnerable with words. I miss the community ( I wasn't reading blogs when I wasn't writing - too painful if that makes sense). The self imposed depressive silence was lifting. My heart was beating. I was beginning to feel like me again. But then the panic set in. Where the fuck do I begin?? Do I pick up where I left off? No, I don't want to blog about that assclown again - once was enough. Do I start from the now as if I never left?? Nooooo, there are actually things that have happened since my last post that I'd like the opportunity to write about. So I took to Twitter. Asked my followers "Where do I begin?" (sidebar: I hate the term 'followers' for Twitter. I ain't Jesus. He has followers. And Charlie Manson. He had followers too. I am neither. ) A fellow blogger and friend replied "The beginning :)". The beginning?? Where the hell is that?? Can I find it on Google Maps?? Can Hopstop give me directions??

So I sat there that evening and tried to start from "the beginning." But that post was so God awful, complete with a Kelly Clarkson reference, that I closed Carrie B. (my laptop for those who forgot) and took my uncreative tired ass to bed. I haven't been back on the site until this morning. Why this morning?? Well it hit me, completely out of the blue like the rays shining so brightly into my bedroom this morning. The beginning is in my heart. That's where I've always written from. I SWEAH it was like an epiphany, well minus the light bulb over my head or music playing from the heavens in the background but yeah it was pretty spectacular. This post may not be the best I've ever written but hey, I wrote it. And that's a start (again). Most importantly, my heart is in it again.

2 comments:

rashad said...

Welcome back my friend! I appreciate you (and people like you) who have the good common sense to take a break and come back stronger and more refreshed. Me? I just write shitty entries that bore my readers until I hit my mojo again..

BrooklynBred said...

And so it begins...