Q 4 a B-Fly "Bag Lady"

Q: How do I let him go or better, how do I move on? ~ Anon

A: So you want me to tackle the hard stuff, eh? Okay, by no means am I a relationship expert but I happen to know a thing or two about letting go of foolishness and moving forward. And by foolishness, I am not trying to belittle what you are going through. I'm just at a point in my life where, looking back, it was a whole lot of foolishness I've endured over the years. And hopefully, one day, you will label it as foolishness as well.

So how do you let him go?? At the end of a relationship, someone is left holding the bag - the bag of dreams deferred, the bag of emotions, the bag of whys and how did this happen, the bag of hurt. And unfortunately, in this situation you're it. Like Ms. Badu sang, "Bag lady, you're gone hurt your back/Dragging all them bags like that". My experience has taught me that creating closure is like spring cleaning for your heart, an opportunity to dump these bags and lighten your load. You're seeking closure and this person will never give it to you. EVER. No answer he gives will ever be a good enough reason for breaking your heart. Start off by packing up everything that reminds you of said ex - the cards, the pictures, the cute undies in his favorite color, ALL OF IT. Next, write him a letter. Tell him exactly how you feel. I don't care if it makes War and Peace look like a pamphlet. Take your time and GET IT ALL OUT. Every point you want to make, no matter how hurtful, how silly, how petty it may be. The point is to purge. However, you are to NAYVER mail this letter. Place the letter in the box with your relationship mementos and hide it from yourself. Put it in the back of your closet, out in your garage, your parents basement, somewhere where you won't see it everyday. One day, when you're ready you will open the box and will no longer feel the same, so you will be comfortable with throwing out its contents (and buy you some new panties in YOUR favorite color. hahahaha).

Whenever I've gone through my "moving on" phase at the termination of my girlfriend policy, I thought of it as a competition between the offending ex and I. Instead of my teammate, he became my opponent. Whenever I felt down, I felt like he was winning and hell if I wanted him to beat me in this "game". I know this sounds silly but it helped because I would acknowledge the sadness and do whatever I had to do to move past it, similar to how a football team identifies the play of the opposing team and does whatever the hell they can to stop them from gaining yardage (I know this is a weak sports analogy but give me some credit for trying, okay *wink*). Every happy memory of "us" was replaced with how he treated me in the end. Now, I can look back on fun times with some of my exes but its devoid of the emotional attachment attributed to that memory. It takes time to get to that place though. "Remember him at the end" became my mantra after each breakup until I got through and got over.

Next up, dating. Yes, I know dating is scary. But its a necessary evil in this love journey of life. It's so easy to hold on to the love we had. But I had to learn that the love you had will not call you, just to say "hi" (unless he's a stalker; another story for another day). The love you had won't compliment you on your new hairstyle/outfit/career accomplishments; it won't take your car for an oil change; it won't keep you warm at night. By not dating or, even worse, comparing each date to the ex you are robbing yourself of any opportunity to grow and move on (sidebar: if your ex was all that great to be the barometer by which you measure everyone else, he would still be with you. So he ain't that great.). And trust and believe me when I say, you will meet some sorry ass dudes who will make you want to curse your ex out and gouge his eyes out for making you a single woman again who has to go out and meet these losers (do you remember my chaperoned date??!! LOL). BUT you will also meet some really nice guys that even for one night, you will fall asleep thinking about someone other than him. So, you have to be open to it. Sometimes, someone else helps. And that someone else doesn't have to be "The One", he can be "The One for Right Now".

This may not work for everyone, but I started dating IMMEDIATELY after my last breakup. Not on some "he got a boo so let me get one too" mission. For me, I didn't want my ex to be the last guy I laughed with, the last one I shared a nice meal with, the last one I kissed, the last one I....well, you get the point. He didn't deserve that distinction. But again, I think that speaks to that competitiveness I spoke of before. I didn't go out often but enough to see that I was gonna be just fine (cue Mary).

Some other tips include:
1. Change his name in your phone. Change it to something that will remind you not to answer if he calls or not to lose your dignity by calling him.
2. Find a non-relationship outlet. For me, it has always been writing. Take a kickboxing class, paint, study Arabic, anything to focus your energy elsewhere.
3. PRAY. I know this should have been first but PRAY, girl!!! Whatever your spiritual center is, turn to it. Pray, meditate, chant, whatever you have to do, do it. I prayed everyday the same prayer - to get me through the hurt, the pain, and to smile again. And when that prayer was answered I prayed for something else.
4. Seek help outside of your friends. As much as we love and rely on our friends, sometimes they can barely help themselves, let alone help you. And really, after a while, they get tired of hearing about your same shit over and over. Seriously, pay someone to listen. If you feel that you're just not coping, seek therapy. Therapy doesn't make you crazy. Not seeking professional help, however, does. A trained professional will help you identify why you aren't letting go and provide you with the tools to move on.

People often say "Time heals all wounds". Well I disagree somewhat. I say "Time coupled with action heals all wounds." Time alone can drag on and leave you right where you stand if you don't do anything about it. I read a quote the other day (and posted it on the book of Face).

"I have found that if you love life, life will love you right back." ~Arthur Rubinstein

I hope this helps. Like I said, I'm not a relationships expert (aka "don't sue me"). But keep me posted on your progress.

Smoochies,
The Resident Butterfly

PS You know I had to post this right.....LOL

and this....LOL


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What else do you want to ask?? Ask, ask, ask away!!! Go to http://www.formspring.me/ButterflyRefuge or just enter your question in the box to your right. Keep asking and I'll keep answering. :)

Oh and yes I know this post is late. As you can tell from the date, I started this with all intentions to finish it on time for Tuesday. There is just a lot going on right now and I'm working on managing my time better. I hope you understand. If not, kick rocks sucka!!! hahahahahahaha

Q 4 a B-Fly "Guy Guru"

?: Who is the guy guru you speak of, and how did he get that title? ~ Anonymous

A: This question is so on time. My Guy Guru's birthday is tomorrow (Jan. 20) and what better way to celebrate him than by posting an entire blog about him (ummmm you know this means you ain't getting a gift, right?! hahahahahaha)!!

My Guy Guru is my friend, Rashad. While we met at our illustrious HOME BY THE SEA, we weren't friends until years later. I sometimes wonder what kind of friends we would be if we were as close then as we are now but I'm just glad he's around now. Neither one of us remembers how we met. It was more or less the "we go to a school in the South so we have to speak to everyone we pass on campus unless you slept with my man/woman, then I don't have to speak to your ho ass" introduction. We knew a few of the same people (one of his roomates was my Big Brother) so I knew him in passing. But somehow over the years that pleasant "Hey" has grown into him being my Guy Guru. I often describe his personality as the Black Larry David. If you watch Curb Your Enthusiasm, you get what the picture. If not, what the hell is wrong with you?? That show is hilarious. hahahahaha Basically, Larry says/does all kinds of inappropriate/non-social shit BUT its never malicious, and underneath it all, he has a good heart.

Guy Guru started as a blog name. Since at the time everyone was getting one, why shouldn't Rashad?? But it totally fits him. Like totally. To call him simply a "friend" would be like calling Kareem Abdul Jabbar simply a basketball player. He is like my brother, without the sibling rivalry, I'm tellin Mom/Dad on you bullshit. When I'm trying to figure out guys, I call Rashad. When I'm need to bounce an idea of someone, I email Rashad. When I need to vent because someone has thoroughly PISSED ME OFF...yep, I hit up Rashad. Oh and its definitely reciprocated. Through the years, he has been here for me. Making me laugh when I want to cry; encouraging me when I want to give up; listening to me say the most asinine shit without judgement. So before I shits on the bitch (private joke when either of us gets too mushy..guess who we got it from?), he is the best dude in my corner. As a matter of fact, you guys can thank him for this here blog page. He has a blog and inspired me to start this page. He is my most faithful reader (and commenter) to date.

I think every girl should have a Guy Guru, a male friend you can turn to when seeking advice on their brethren. Because let me tell you, Rashad has hipped me to somethings that I NAYVER thought about from the male perspective. But there are rules to this shit (I swear I'm cursing more in this blog because of Rashad. All for you, buddy...hahahahahaa).

1. Your guy guru has to be a man you have no desire to see nekkid. Seriously, you can't cloud your friendship with thoughts of "I wonder what it would be like to kiss/lick/suck/f*ck". This is not to say my guy guru isn't attractive. Quite the opposite. However, I've never looked at him in that way. Ever.

2. You have to know your role. He is my friend. Not my man. As a matter of fact, he has a woman. So I'm not calling him all hours of the night. I'm not sending provocative pics of myself. While we can have quite colorful conversations, we have boundaries. Once (at band camp), I spent the night at the apartment he shares with his lady. I could have worn a burqa and been less covered up. Sure I had to reach waaaaay back into my dresser to pull out big ass pajama pants, an oversized shirt and a robe but its about respect. I respect our friendship. I respect our boundaries.

3. You have to be willing to listen. He and I may not agree on everything but we have both provided each other with valuable insights into how the opposite sex thinks. Not to say that every man thinks like Rashad (thank God...hahahahaha), but generally speaking I know more about how men think now than I did before Rashad's insight.

4. Most importantly, find someone you trust. Lets just say if either of us ran for office, the other would have a sweeeeeet cabinet position to compensate for that lucrative tell all book deal we would be missing out on.

So there you have it. My Guy Guru. If you don't already check out his blog, please do. He writes way more frequently that I do (showoff).

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RASHAD!!! YOU'RE THE BEST GUY GURU A BUTTERFLY COULD ASK FOR. I LOVE YOU, MANNNN!!!! (now proceed to shits on the bitch!!! hahahahahahahah)

(Me, ?uestLove of The Roots, Guy Guru. Fun fact: 2 people in this photo have the same birthday. The one with breasts is not one of the 2!! hahahaa HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GUYS!! Oh and I made this picure black and white because I was wayyy to light bright in this picture. I look like an albino standing next to these chocolate brothers. hahahahahahaha)

*keep the questions flying my way. I know there is something you're dying to ask me. Enter your question in the box in the right hand corner, or submit it directly at
http://www.formspring.me/ButterflyRefuge

Oh and I have a few blogs I'm working on. I promise I won't only do Q 4 a B-fly posts. Life's been a lil hectic later. Smoochies.

Q 4 a B-Fly: "Starbucks Dude"

Q: So what happened to dude from Starbucks? - Anonymous

Resident B-Fly: I knew I would have to do a follow-up on this one. For those who may not know the story, click here.

In preparing to respond to this question, I realized that I don't talk about my dating life as much. I will mention a guy, give him a blog name, and then POOF! Banished to blog purgatory -the place where the words are formed but never published. Occasionally, I may reference them or hint of their existing existence in my life, but that's it. So I shouldn't be surprised that one of you wanted to know what happened with Mr. Mink aka "dude from Starbucks".

Well, I've gone out a few times with Mr. Mink ( I'm really thinking of changing his blog name to Starbucks Dude...hahahaa). We had a Barnes & Nobles date (he sat down to read one of my favorite children's books. sweet). We've gone to a couple of nice restaurants (including one where the table of guys sitting next to us hit on me when he got up to use the restroom. I still can't believe that one). He gave me the most beautiful roses on Christmas Eve. Totally unexpected. Simply thoughtful. (never knew I was a "flower" girl, but I smiled everyday until they died)

Sooo...........

I don't know. I will say he's unlike any dude I've ever dated. He's really quiet, damn near shy. And for those that know me, know quiet and shy are not attributes that jump out at you when thinking of me. So needless to say, sometimes talking to him feels like a speech therapy session trying to elicit more than a 2 word utterance. But then he has moments where he's sooo forthcoming and verbose, I think I'm talking to someone else. I almost think he stores his ideas like a chipmunk.

I just don't know. I can't peg him. He's sweet, he's kind, he's thoughtful, he's funny (when he's in a loquacious mood), he's attentive (the details he remembers is mind blowing). But??? Damn, its even hard to put in words. Okay, I'm not sure if he wants to date me or be my friend. No, that's not it. He has said at least that much - that he's interested in me. There's something that's.......off (for lack of a better term). Not off in terms of red flags being raised. But just.........different. Not a bad different, just different.

Maybe this is just an adjustment. Every guy I date doesn't have to have such a big......ego (what did you think I was gonna say??? hahahaha). Maybe that's it. I tend to date guys with big personalities, so much that I tend to be quiet around them. But as one of my girls pointed out recently, "both of you can't always have big personalities. You need someone mellow to balance you out." Hmmmm, that is something to consider. I guess.

So to answer your question, Starbucks dude aka Mr. Mink is still in the picture. I hope I won't need an IV of Starbucks just to figure him out.

Keep the questions coming. Wanna know something? Anything? Ask @ http://www.formspring.me/ButterflyRefuge or type your question directly in the box to your right. . This will be a regular Tuesday feature until you guys stop asking questions!

Smoochies ;)

Resident B-fly

Come and Talk to Me

Yes, 2 posts back to back! But this is more of an announcement than a regular post so I'm not sure if it counts. Now that I think about it, HELLLLLL YEAH IT COUNTS. I still wrote it. hhahahahahaa


With this being a new year and all, I decided to add a new feature to the blog. If you look to your right you will see a new site addition, Questions for a Butterfly. This is your opportunity to ask me ANYTHING. You want a followup about something I wrote before, ASK. You want to know "what ever happened to ____?", ASK. You want advice about something, ASK. You want to ask me some random, existential damn now I have to think about this kind of question, ASK. Just type your question in that box and click send. You can even be anonymous. You can also go to this site, http://www.formspring.me/ButterflyRefuge and ask your questions directly.

This will be a weekly blog column, "Q 4 a B-fly", where I will answer at least one question (could be more depending on answer length). I can't wait to see what you guys want me to answer. Let's see how long I can keep this going. hahahahaa

Year in Review: Part Deux

I know, I know, I know this is uber late and before you write me off, give me the side eye, smack me a la Rick James in a Dave Chapelle skit, pull a gun on me a la Mr. Arenas (allegedly), let me explain. On New Years Eve, I got sick. Really really sick. Like sicker than I've ever been in my life. Instead of sipping the champagne bubbly, I was sipping the seltzer bubbly. I'll spare you the gruesome details but lets just say publishing a blog was not high on the priority list that day. Thankfully, whatever ailed me left (along with about 6 pounds) and I'm beginning to feel like my butterfly self.

So without further mention of my medical exorcism (whatever that was, it was EVIL I tell you...hahaha), here's the 2nd half of my Book of Face updates.

JUNE (of course I know I covered June in my last post but there was more to say. I'm taking liberty with mine, okay?! Sue me. hahahahah)
* "Someone left a Granny Smith apple (my fave) on my desk and no one is copping to it. I'm not eating this. I saw what happened to Snow White. LOL "
* "We blamed it on the boogie before we blamed it on the alcohol. RIP MJ"
*"is a dancin' dancin' dancin'....DANCIN MACHINE!!! WATCH ME GET DOWN!! Heels on flip flops in the purse - All for you, MJ!"
*"Okay, so when my cab driver gets back in the taxi and stops arguing with the guy behind us, THEN I'll be a dancin' machine! LMAO"
*"It's official. I can't watch the BET AWARDS without commentary from my FB friends. I CAIN'T! " {real talk: logging on to FB and watching the awards "together" with my friends has been a hilarious experience. It's like one mega conference call or a supersize living room with everyone gathered in front of the TV}

JULY
1. "just had a workout on the beach. cha cha slide, cupid shuffle, dollar whine...whew!!" {Martha's Vineyard; that party on the beach was sooo much fun}
2. "Home Sweet Home. Wine Chilled Wine." {I need this on a plaque, hanging in my home. Seriously.}
3. "There is a free ice cream event in my office lobby for all workers in building. Who set this up? Satan?? LOL"

AUGUST
1. "is on my way to the John Legend concert at MSG....for FREEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" {did I write about this concert?? It was great. I completely underestimated John Legend}
2. "ummmm Naked Yoga?? and you want me to rent a towel and mat??" {a friend sent me a link to a place for yoga. yes naked yoga. while the nekkidness doesn't particularly bother me, the towel and mat rental do. }
3. "Its easy to pray for those you love and care for. Lord, give me the strength and humility to pray for all the others."

SEPTEMBER
1. "Ummmm, if you're a bum on the street begging for a dollar (a dollar! whatever happened to "some change"?), guess how much of my money you're getting if you stop your sob story to answer your cell phone?? Take a wild guess? lol" {yet another 'Only in New York' true story. hahahaha}
2. "DAMNIT KANYE." {MTV Award debacle. no further explanation necessary}
3. "Letting your toddler run around the airport barefoot is swine flu-tastic. FAIL!" {If I wasn't running for a plane, I swear I would have reported that mother. Swine flu is all over the damn news and she lets her toddler run around the ENTIRE TERMINAL barefoot. Now if that ain't child endangerment, I don't know what is.}

OCTOBER
1. "If you can afford the $2.25 to get on the bus, you can afford a bar of soap!! This is nasal assault. DAMN!"
2. "Public Service Announcement: Certain songs shouldn't blast from your earphones while on a crowded corporate elevator. A certain song by Akinyele that came out in the 90s is one of them."
3. "Walked in the rain for a good cause - Making Strides against Breast Cancer. If survivors can endure chemo/radiation, I can endure the rain. "


NOVEMBER
1. "is gem rich. I may not have millions in the bank or any of the trappings of wealth (yet), but the Lord decided to bless me with the most amazing friends, my precious gems. I could say more but I'll stop now....Love you guys!" {written after a long night with my girls. I swear I love my friends more than I could ever tell them}
2. "has come this far by faith...leaning on the Lord....trusting in His holy Word....He's never failed me yet!!!! The Lord has seen me through many many obstacles and I trust He will see me through this one as well. Keep praying and keep moving.... {Day of Corporate Divorce notification}
3. "REAL TALK: Jermaine looks like Nipsy Russell as the Tin Man in The Wiz." {most commented on status update. hahahahahaa}

Honorable Mentions:
*'Oh Whitney!!! I will always love the skinny because I'm skinny and not strung out, big weave pink lipstick wearing, ohhh I wanna dance with somebody, baby you give good love Whitney. This Whitney is the new egg in the frying pan PSA for drug use. * le sigh *"
*"whoever had the bright idea to sell tuna fish sammiches at dunkin donuts should be fired" {if that's not the nastiest combination. why would I go to a store I frequent for donuts and such for a tuna fish sammich???}
* "Mom quote: 'Oh I like this Chrisette girl. She can sing, not like that other one (Keri Hilson). All she did is move her hips. Is that all you need to make a record?? If that's the case, you go make a record. ' Gee thanks, Mother. LMAO"

DECEMBER
1. "Now I know why this bus was $5. It's the Senior Citizen special. I think I'm the square root of these folks' ages. Lord, I pray I arrive to DC safely and not smelling like Ben Gay." {I know I didn't write about it, but I went back to DC. Just overnight for a career opportunity. Still haven't seen if it was worth the trip yet but I'm optimistic. And yes, one way from the Big Apple to Chocolate City was a whopping $5}
2. "is at the Hiro Ballroom waiting for CORRINE BAILEY RAE to hit the stage. Viva the spontaneity of my life!" {I actually started a blog about this night but never finished it. That was a beautiful concert. I almost cried but beautiful none the less.}
3. is fighting the urge to eat this bread pudding in my fridge. Its calling me. I'm hanging up!" {I made this really delish amaretto bread pudding. I've been baking a lot lately. I know there's a meaning in here somewhere.}

So that's was my 2009. Looking back, there was soooo much that happened in my life this year, both good and not so good. I'm grateful for it all though. Each opportunity, each thought, each smile, each tear was a chance for this butterfly to spread my wings and live. I don't thank you guys enough but thanks for continuing to read. I will do my best to be a better blogger this year. This is not a New Years Resolution. It's what I need and want to do. Smoochies. ;)